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Television dominates the free-time of too many people. It can make people lazy and prevent them from socialising with others. Do you agree or disagree? v.7

Television dominates the free-time of too many people. It can make people lazy and prevent them from socialising with others. v. 7
It is commonly believed that TV has the ability of controlling the available time of many individuals thus making them idle as well as preventing them from networking efficiently. Although one can learn modern methods of making friends by watching it, I am of the opinion that it is a time-waster which can make people idle. First of all, watching TV can educate people of various techniques of becoming diligent. In other words, one can learn new ways of socialising with others. To illustrate, two out of every five American adults believe that they became more friendly after the popular TV programme titled "How you act the way you do" in the 70s. As a result, it is observed that watching TV can influence the way individuals work and improve their relationships. One the other hand, most TV shows are captivating. This is to say that one can be addicted to it in such a way that one's spare time required for other mandatory tasks like studying, researching and learning will not be done. If all the valuable time required to do other useful work are channelled into sitting to watch Television, there will be less time to strive for other goals as well as meet new people. For example, my twin sister became lazy which affected her academic when she became engrossed to a soap opera named Zee World. Therefore, it is evident that TV has a negative influential effect that can affect one's social life. To conclude, despite the fact that one can be inspired to make new friends and not become idle by watching TV, I think it can dominate people's free-time thereby making them lazy and preventing them from networking with others.
It is
commonly
believed that TV has the ability of controlling the available
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
individuals
thus
making them idle
as well
as preventing them from networking
efficiently
. Although one can learn modern methods of making friends by watching it, I am of the opinion that it is a time-waster which can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
idle.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, watching TV can educate
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
of various techniques of becoming diligent. In
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
words, one can learn new ways of
Possible spelling mistake. 'socialising' is British English.
socialising
with others. To illustrate, two out of every five American adults believe that they became more friendly after the popular TV
Possible spelling mistake. 'programme' is British English.
programme
titled
Use a smart opening quote here: "“".
"
How you act the way you do
Use a smart closing quote here: "”".
"
in the 70s.
As a result
, it
is observed
that watching TV can influence the way individuals work and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their relationships.

Did you mean "on"?
One
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand, most TV
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
are captivating. This is to say that one can
be addicted
to it in such a way that one's spare
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
required for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
mandatory tasks like studying, researching and learning will not
be done
. If all the valuable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
required to do
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
useful work
are channelled
into sitting to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
Television, there will be less
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to strive for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
goals
as well
as
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
new
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.
For example
, my twin sister became lazy which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
her academic when she became engrossed to a soap opera named
Possible spelling mistake found.
Zee
World.
Therefore
, it is evident that TV has a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
influential effect that can affect one's social life.

To conclude
, despite the fact that one can
be inspired
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
new friends and not become idle by watching TV, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
it can dominate
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's free-time thereby making them lazy and preventing them from networking with others.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
A new language is a new life.
Persian Proverb

IELTS essay Television dominates the free-time of too many people. It can make people lazy and prevent them from socialising with others. v. 7

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
286 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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