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Education is the single most important factor in the development of a developing country. To what extent do you agree or disagree. v.1

Education is the single most important factor in the development of a developing country. v. 1
Technology is constantly advancing and reshaping people’s lives that affected us in various ways. While others accept the fact that technology had widened the gap between fortunate and unfortunate people, I argue that it is the opposite. Admittedly, in the past years, the division between rich and poor people can be widely seen among groups of people. For instance, the ownership of luxurious Apple products by richer people was commonly viewed as a symbol of being in an upper class of society, due to its popularity and high value. Those who do not belong in this group were being neglected and cast away from the social circle as their lifestyle do not fit in. Despite of this, the technology entered in the years passed by, allowed everyone in the society to infiltrate the world of the wealthy. To give a clear example, the use of online stock market became easily accessible to the market at minimum fees due to its availability on the internet. Online video trainings can be conveniently viewed in social media accounts such as Facebook and YouTube. Signing-up as a member is a stress-free task as this can be done on websites too, unlike in the previous years where rich people can only benefit. In addition, travelling to another country can now be experienced by normal people, due to a wide range of choices of affordable plans offered by travel agencies online and due to the upgraded design of new planes which can accommodate more passengers with lesser fuel consumption. In conclusion, although technology has provided a gap between wealthy and deprived people in the past, I firmly believe that it has now created a bridge between these people, thus, reducing the gap of the societies they live in and improving lives even further.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Technology
is
constantly
advancing and reshaping
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
us in various ways. While others accept the fact that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
had widened the gap between fortunate and unfortunate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, I argue that it is the opposite.

Admittedly
, in the past years, the division between rich and poor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can be
widely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
among groups of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
For instance
, the ownership of luxurious Apple products by richer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
was
commonly
viewed as a symbol of being in an upper
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
of society,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
due
to its popularity and high value. Those who do not belong in this group were
being neglected
and cast away from the social circle as their lifestyle do not fit in.

Did you mean "Despite" (or, alternatively, 'in spite of')?
Despite of
this, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
There isn't usually a preposition after "entered". Did you mean "entered the years"?
entered in the years
passed by,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
everyone in the society to infiltrate the world of the wealthy. To give a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
example, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of online stock market became
easily
accessible to the market at minimum fees
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
due
to its availability on the internet. Online video trainings can be
conveniently
viewed in social media accounts such as Facebook and YouTube. Signing-up as a member is a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
-free task as this can
be done
on websites too, unlike in the previous
It is better to use 'years' with the time-relative pronoun 'when': "years when". (Alternatively, use 'in/on which')
years where
rich
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
benefit.
In addition
, travelling to another country can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
be experienced
by normal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
due
to a wide range of choices of affordable plans offered by travel agencies online and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
due
to the upgraded design of new
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
planes
which can accommodate more passengers with lesser fuel consumption.

In conclusion
, although
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
has provided a gap between wealthy and deprived
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in the past, I
firmly
believe that it has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
created a bridge between these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
,
thus
, reducing the gap of the societies they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in and improving
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
even
further
.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
A special kind of beauty exists which is born in language, of language, and for language.
Gaston Bachelard

IELTS essay Education is the single most important factor in the development of a developing country. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
297 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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