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Teenagers should not be allowed to use mobile phones at school. To what extent do you agree? v.1

Teenagers should not be allowed to use mobile phones at school. v. 1
In the last decade, cellular phone usage has increased manifolds. This trend has particularly affected our younger generation. Using these devices, particularly in the context of schools, if often argued about. Some advocate banning the use of mobile devices in schools; others disagrees. In my opinion, school going teens should not be permitted to use these gadgets while attending school. I believe, that permitting use of cellular devices results in loss of concentration among students. In other words, these gadgets distracts students from attentively listening to lectures being delivered by their teachers. Consequently, they not only miss important academic content, but also fail to take part in class discussions and activities. My daughter's school and many other renowned schools in Pakistan, have realized the negative implication of this trend, and impose strong fines to discourage this practise. Besides loss of interest in academic activities, limited extra curricular activities among school going teenagers is yet another growing concern that stems from the use of mobile phones. I hold the opinion that they spend their entire leisure time using mobiles. Clearly, this mobile addiction deprives them from participating in sports or arts related events. This dispels the idea of allowing students to use mobiles. To conclude, supervised use of mobiles at home may have certain benefits. However, I am confident that the use of cellular phones in schools does not let a child fully experience the school environment by negatively affecting both his studies and extra curricular capabilities.
In the last decade, cellular phone usage has increased manifolds. This trend has
particularly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
our younger generation. Using these devices,
particularly
in the context of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
, if
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
argued about.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
advocate banning the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of mobile devices in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
; others disagrees. In my opinion,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
going teens should not
be permitted
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
these gadgets while attending school.

I believe, that permitting
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of cellular devices results in loss of concentration among students.
In other words
, these gadgets distracts students from
attentively
listening to lectures
being delivered
by their teachers.
Consequently
, they not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
miss
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
academic content,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
fail to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
take part
in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
discussions and activities. My daughter's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
other renowned
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
in Pakistan, have realized the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
implication of this trend, and impose strong fines to discourage this
Possible spelling mistake. 'practise' is British English.
practise
.

Besides
loss of interest in academic activities, limited
This word is normally spelled as one.
extra curricular
activities among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
going
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
is
yet
another growing concern that stems from the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of mobile phones. I hold the opinion that they spend their entire leisure time using mobiles.
Clearly
, this mobile addiction
The usual collocation for "deprives" is "of" not "them". Did you mean "deprives them of"?
deprives them from
participating in sports or arts related
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
. This dispels the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
of allowing students to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
mobiles.

To conclude
, supervised
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of mobiles at home may have certain benefits.
However
, I am confident that the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of cellular phones in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
does not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
let
a child
fully
experience the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
environment by
negatively
affecting both his studies and
This word is normally spelled as one.
extra curricular
capabilities.
15Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes
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Virginia Woolf

IELTS essay Teenagers should not be allowed to use mobile phones at school. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
246 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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