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As the world becomes technologically advanced, computers are replacing more and more jobs. Describe some job positions that may be lost because of computers, and discuss at least one problem that may result. v.2

As the world becomes technologically advanced, computers are replacing more and more jobs. Describe some job positions that may be lost because of computers, and discuss at least one problem that may result. v. 2
In this technology oriented world, the media are overstating violence which affects children in various ways. These violent programmes have many harmful effects. This essay elaborates more on the harmful effects of violence shown on media and suggest some possible solutions to mitigate these effects. To begin with, there are many harmful effects of escalating violence shown on media among children. Firstly, aggressive behaviour in children is one of the side effects of watching violent programmes. For instance, when they watch violent programmes on TV, they start believing that aggression is the best method for every needs and start adopting it to their daily life. Secondly, they would imitate what they see on the screens. Movies always have a hero who has the power to do anything. Thus, they also imitate what the hero does. This in turn, into some dangerous situation. Finally, children become less sensitive to the pain and suffering of others. The children are likely to be living in an imaginary world. Therefore, these reasons would escalate rampage in children. To continue, even though it is a perpetual issue, there are many ways to curtail this problem. Primarily, parental control and monitoring can play a major role. Parents must become more vigilant and closely monitor the activities of their children. They also need to educate their children that assault is not good for society and teach them well about the real world and raw realities. Secondarily, the children should involve in community services such as helping elderly people, planting trees and so on. Finally, the government should ban these type of programmes on TV and provide awareness campaigns to lead a productive life. To conclude, it is a well-known fact that the side effects of rampage shown on media is a burning concern. One of the major side effects is aggressive behaviour in children who watch such TV programmes. This problem can be alleviated by parental control and closely monitoring the activities of their children. It could be hoped that, the government as well as an individual should take appropriate measure to address this problem in posterity.
In this technology oriented world, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
are overstating violence which affects
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
in various ways. These violent
Possible spelling mistake. 'programmes' is British English.
programmes
have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
harmful effects. This essay elaborates more on the harmful effects of violence shown on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
and suggest
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
possible solutions to mitigate these effects.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
harmful effects of escalating violence shown on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
Firstly
, aggressive
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
is one of the side effects of watching violent
Possible spelling mistake. 'programmes' is British English.
programmes
.
For instance
, when they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
violent
Possible spelling mistake. 'programmes' is British English.
programmes
on TV, they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
believing that aggression is the best method for every needs and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
adopting it to their daily life.
Secondly
, they would imitate what they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
on the screens. Movies always have a hero who has the power to do anything.
Thus
, they
also
imitate what the hero does. This in turn, into
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
situation.
Finally
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
become less sensitive to the pain and
The usual preposition for this expression is "from" or "with." Did you mean "suffering from" or "suffering with"?
suffering of
others. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are likely to be living in an imaginary world.
Therefore
, these reasons would escalate rampage in children.

To continue,
even though
it is a perpetual issue, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
ways to curtail this problem.
Primarily
, parental control and monitoring can play a major role. Parents
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
become more vigilant and
closely
monitor the activities of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. They
also
need to educate their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
that assault is not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
for society and teach them well about the real world and raw realities.
Secondarily
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should involve in community services such as helping elderly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
, planting trees and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
on.
Finally
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should ban these type of
Possible spelling mistake. 'programmes' is British English.
programmes
on TV and provide awareness campaigns to lead a productive life.

To conclude
,
it is a well-known fact that
the side effects of rampage shown on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
is a burning concern. One of the major side effects is aggressive
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
such TV
Possible spelling mistake. 'programmes' is British English.
programmes
. This problem can
be alleviated
by parental control and
closely
monitoring the activities of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. It could
be hoped
that, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
as well
as an individual should take appropriate measure to address this problem in posterity.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay As the world becomes technologically advanced, computers are replacing more and more jobs. Describe some job positions that may be lost because of computers, and discuss at least one problem that may result. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
350 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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