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As the world becomes technologically advanced, computers are replacing more and more jobs. Describe some job positions that may be lost because of computers, and discuss at least one problem that may result. v.5

As the world becomes technologically advanced, computers are replacing more and more jobs. Describe some job positions that may be lost because of computers, and discuss at least one problem that may result. v. 5
From the last century, the technology has been advanced more and more. Because of technology, they are flying from one country to another country in an hour; they are saving money and time by using internet services. With the help of this advanced technology, humans are getting huge benefits. Along with the advantages of the technology, there are disadvantages also. Postman, who delivers letters, money, and other things, is no where to find in this modern world because of the electronic mails services and ATM machines. In very rare cases, he appears at our doors. As the world has been advancing in technology more, people get rid of postman. For example, before the ATM machines evolved, everyone had to use the services of a postman to send or get money from their allegiances, acquaintances, relatives, etc, In order to send letters or messages to their, people, beloved one' s. But, the electronic mail system has made the postman in our streets disappeared. Today, in banks, we see more computers than the employees. Before computer, the accountants used pen and papers for records. As computer has introduced to the world, the only few employees has needed to operate computers to save the log. In this way, as technology has been playing the higher role than most of the job positions. However, research opportunities regarding the technology have been increasing as the demand for technology has been growing day by day. In overall, the losing job positions is not good sign for the employment of a country, as some job positions require little education beyond the job positions of technology.
From the last century, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
has
been advanced
more and more.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
, they are flying from one country to another country in an hour; they are saving money and time by using internet services. With the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
of this advanced
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
, humans are getting huge benefits. Along with the advantages of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
, there are disadvantages
also
.

Postman, who delivers letters, money, and other things, is
Did you mean "now" (=at this moment) instead of 'no' (negation)?
no
where to find in this modern world
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the electronic mails services and
This phrase is redundant ('M' stands for 'machine'). Use simply "ATMs".
ATM machines
. In
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
rare cases, he appears at our doors. As the world has been advancing in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
more,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
rid of postman.
For example
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
the
This phrase is redundant ('M' stands for 'machine'). Use simply "ATMs".
ATM machines
evolved, everyone had to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
the services of a postman to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
send
or
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
money from their allegiances, acquaintances, relatives, etc, In order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
send
letters or messages to their,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
, beloved
Possible spelling mistake found.
one&
#039; s.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
, the electronic mail system has made the postman in our streets disappeared.

This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Today
, in banks, we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
more computers than the employees.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Before
computer, the accountants
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
pen and papers for records. As computer has introduced to the world, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
few employees has needed to operate computers to save the log.

In this way, as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
has been playing the higher role than most of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
positions
.
However
, research opportunities regarding the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
have been increasing as the demand for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
has been growing day by day. In
overall
, the losing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
positions
is not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sign
for the employment of a country, as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
positions
require
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
education beyond the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
positions
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
.
4Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
17Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes

IELTS essay As the world becomes technologically advanced, computers are replacing more and more jobs. Describe some job positions that may be lost because of computers, and discuss at least one problem that may result. v. 5

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
268 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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