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Express your opinion about how modernism can affect our health. what can the government do to overcome such circumstances? Discuss. v.1

Express your opinion about how modernism can affect our health. what can the government do to overcome such circumstances? Discuss. v. 1
It is recommended that all young persons should be important to work without gain money for people of society. While the suggested solution has both advantages and disadvantages. On the one hand, this is considered on the beneficial side, it can bring lots of benefits to the community and all adults. The first and the foremost, adults can learn to give the respect of the other persons because younger should be needed to learn it. As a result, they would be the flawless person in the community and they would be taught in the future to others. In addition, if they would be taken part in an unpaid activity, so they can learn different kinds of skills and get experience in jobs as well as they understand about the responsibility. On the other hand, this solution has a negative impact on adults and society. Firstly, the younger person cannot take proper education as well as they can not aware of the adults' activity. Such as playing games, outing, tracking, and so on. Secondly, they cannot spend more time with family and friends. So, they have been not much attaching to them. Last not the least, sometimes, they can be suffered from a dangerous illness and the adult's health and fitness level is not balance. Thus, it is important to maintain to adults' well-being. To sum up, it is required to work without taking money all adults, it should be helpful to people in society. It has own benefits and drawback for young persons and nations.
It
is recommended
that all young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
persons
should be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to work without gain money for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
of society. While the suggested solution has both advantages and disadvantages.

On the one hand, this
is considered
on the beneficial side, it can bring lots of benefits to the community and all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adults
. The
first
and the foremost,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adults
can learn to give the respect of the other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
persons
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
younger should
be needed
to learn it.
As a result
, they would be the flawless
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
in the
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
community and
they would
be taught
in the future to others.
In addition
, if they would
be taken
part in an unpaid activity,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they can learn
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
kinds of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
experience in jobs
as well
as they understand about the responsibility.

On the other hand
, this solution has a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
impact on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adults
and society.
Firstly
, the younger
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
cannot take proper education
as well
as they can not aware of the adults' activity. Such as playing games, outing, tracking, and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
on.
Secondly
, they cannot spend more time with family and friends.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, they have been not much attaching to them. Last not the least,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
, they can
be suffered
from a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
illness and the adult's health and fitness level is not balance.
Thus
, it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to maintain to adults' well-being.

To sum up, it
is required
to work without taking money all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adults
, it should be helpful to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
in society. It has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
benefits and drawback for young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
persons
and nations.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Express your opinion about how modernism can affect our health. what can the government do to overcome such circumstances? Discuss. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
255 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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