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Task 2: International travel is becoming cheaper than before, so more and more countries open their doors to tourists. Do the advantages of the increased tourism outweigh the disadvantages? v.1

Task 2: International travel is becoming cheaper than before, so more and more countries open their doors to tourists. Do the advantages of the increased tourism outweigh the disadvantages? v. 1
The new era of technology has been characterized with high tech phones that perform functions nobody knew artificial intelligence could. Be it the iPhone 11 or the Samsung note 10, seeing a person on the street without a mobile phone has become a rare sight. Owing to its numerous benefits, having a mobile phone is soon becoming a necessity. But this privilege comes with its own consequences. With its ease of communication and access to a plethora of information, mobile phones have brought the world within our reach. These devices have integrated mankind and have allowed a different level of cooperation and understanding among people through global interaction. By reducing the time and effort required for each task, it has provided us with an efficient living that is free of hassles. Streaming content, doing last minute research, attending a work meeting or even looking for flu remedies, this pocket sized device has been our friend, doctor, tutor and entertainer making it nothing short of a blessing. However, there are two sides to every coin. Mobile phones have been discouraged by scientists and researchers who claim that these have adverse effects on health. Not only does the harmful radiation from the phones alter brain development, but also damages the cranial nerves which form a crucial part of our nervous system. Moreover, the problem lies not in the ownership but the associated addiction to these devices. Every day, thousands of people around the world meet with accidents from using their phones while driving. This addiction has surpassed levels of safety. Furthermore, the rampant use of phones has also raised several psychological issues. People are no longer able to interact on a personal level and maintain a connection outside their phones. Using phones has become a sort of escape mechanism for those dealing with depression, creating a false belief of how the world truly is. Therefore, I strongly believe that the disadvantages of using phones majorly outweigh the benefits and that the governments must introduce measures to restrict ownership of mobile phones before its too late.
The new era of technology has
been characterized
with high tech
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
that perform functions nobody knew artificial intelligence could. Be it the iPhone 11 or the Samsung note 10, seeing a person on the street without a mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phone
has become a rare sight. Owing to its numerous benefits, having a mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phone
is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
soon
becoming a necessity.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
this privilege
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
with its
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
consequences.

With its
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ease
of communication and access to a plethora of information, mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
have brought the world within our reach. These devices have integrated mankind and have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
level of cooperation and understanding among
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
through global interaction. By reducing the time and effort required for each task, it has provided us with an efficient living
that is
free of hassles. Streaming content, doing last minute research, attending a work meeting or even looking for flu remedies, this pocket sized device has been our friend, doctor, tutor and entertainer making it nothing short of a blessing.

However
, there are two sides to every coin. Mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
have
been discouraged
by scientists and researchers who claim that these have adverse effects on health. Not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
does the harmful radiation from the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
alter brain development,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
damages the cranial nerves which form a crucial part of our nervous system.
Moreover
, the problem lies not in the ownership
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
the associated addiction to these devices. Every day, thousands of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
around the world
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
with accidents from using their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
while driving. This addiction has surpassed levels of safety.
Furthermore
, the rampant
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
has
also
raised several psychological issues.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
People
are no longer able to interact on a personal level and maintain a connection outside their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
. Using
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
has become a sort of escape mechanism for those dealing with depression, creating a false belief of how the world
truly
is.

Therefore
, I
strongly
believe that the disadvantages of using
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
majorly
outweigh the benefits and that the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
introduce measures to restrict ownership of mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
Did you mean "it's" (="it is") instead of 'its' (possessive pronoun)?
its
too late.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Task 2: International travel is becoming cheaper than before, so more and more countries open their doors to tourists. Do the advantages of the increased tourism outweigh the disadvantages? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
343 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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