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Topic: in university and school, girls tend to choose art, while boys like science. What are the reasons for this trend and do you think this tendency should be changed? v.1

Topic: in university and school, girls tend to choose art, while boys like science. What are the reasons for this trend and do you think this tendency should be changed? v. 1
Many people these days are migrating to a foreign country for jobs. While some people think that it induces negativity in children towards their home country, others argue. In others opinion, it is beneficial for children travelling abroad. According to me, children should travel abroad so that they can learn to be independent and also learn different cultural values. On the one hand, there are people how believe that children who migrate to other countries begin to think negative about their homeland. This is because, according to them once a child moves into a different nation they forget about the cultural values and tradition which was inculcated in them as they were a child. Moreover, it makes a individual rely on their family and relatives that they will never be able to survive elsewhere. For example, many students from India who travel to the US for further studies goes on to apply for a green card and never return back to their home. Hence this is considered to negatively impact people. On the other hand, my view is that travelling abroad either to study or to work will only instill confidence in an individual. It is very important for people to learn about other countries culture and tradition and adopt the goods it has to offer. This will eventually make a person more independent and boost the morale of a person and make him successful. For instance, there are many entrepreneurs such as Sundar Pichai CEO of Google who has not only studied abroad but also migrated permanently and is very successful. If he never moved out of his home country, he would have never become the person he is today. In conclusion, even though there are some negative effects of migrating to a new country, I believe there are many positives which makes a person successful and independent.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
these days are migrating to a foreign
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
for jobs. While
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that it induces negativity in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
towards their home
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
, others argue. In others opinion, it is beneficial for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
travelling
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
abroad
.
This phrase can sound awkward in English. Consider using "in my opinion" or "I think".
According to me
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should travel
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
abroad
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that they can learn to be independent and
also
learn
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
cultural values.

On the one hand, there are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
how believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
who migrate to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
about their homeland. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
, according to them once a child
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
moves
into a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
nation they forget about the cultural values and tradition which
was inculcated
in them as they were a child.
Moreover
, it
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
makes
Use "an" instead of 'a' if the following word starts with a vowel sound, e.g. 'an article', 'an hour'
a
individual rely on their family and relatives that they will never be able to survive elsewhere.
For example
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
students from India who travel to the US for
further
studies goes on to apply for a green card and never
Consider using "return".
return back
to their home.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Hence
this
is considered
to
negatively
impact
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.

On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand, my view is that travelling
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
abroad
either to study or to work will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
instill confidence in an individual. It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to learn about
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
culture and tradition and adopt the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
goods
it
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
offer. This will
eventually
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
more independent and boost the morale of a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
him successful.
For instance
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
entrepreneurs such as
Possible spelling mistake found.
Sundar
Possible spelling mistake found.
Pichai
CEO of Google who has not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
studied
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
abroad
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
migrated
permanently
and is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
successful. If he never
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
moved
out of his home
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
, he would have never become the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
he is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
.

In conclusion
,
even though
there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effects of migrating to a new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
, I believe there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
positives which
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
makes
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
successful and independent.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Topic: in university and school, girls tend to choose art, while boys like science. What are the reasons for this trend and do you think this tendency should be changed? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
309 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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