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Talk about the person who has inspired you. Describe the person and explain why you found him or her inspirational v.1

Talk about the person who has inspired you. Describe the person and explain why you found him or her inspirational v. 1
The advancement of science and technology, especially over the previous fifty years, has brought significant changes in the methods of living on this planet earth. The skills which were once considered to be essential for the survival have become redundant and obsolete now. In my opinion, its a good change and one must adopt these new techniques to progress rather than sticking to old traditional methods. First of all, The fields of agriculture is revolutionized by the recent developments in this field. Some new extremely effective irrigation systems are developed which provide only the essential amount of water to the crops thus saving its excessive utility. Similarly, new fertilizers and pesticides are available in the market and all these measures have resulted in an enormous increase in production rate per square kilometre. To give you an example, by applying these new skills and innovations, Israel, a very small country, is capable to produce wheat which can be sufficient to feed the whole world. Secondly, in the field of industry, new machinery and artificial intelligence have created a breakthrough with such an efficient and cost effective system that has reduced the requirement of manpower. Heavy manual work which was previously required in many industries can be done with the latest cranes and other equipment. The application of these new techniques has resulted in the building of skyscrapers which would not have been possible if one is stuck with old techniques. Finally, even at the domestic level, several electronic devices have been developed which have completely changed the life at home. For example, washing machines, dishwashers and vacuum cleaners have brought an incredible ease in the life of a common man with a significant time efficiency and reduced effort. To conclude, the world around us is changing for good with new technologies in almost all fields of life. Only those who have accepted and adopted these changes are bound to progress in the future and not those still working with traditional methods.
The advancement of science and technology,
especially
over the previous fifty years, has brought significant
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
in the methods of living on this planet earth. The
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
which were once considered to be essential for the survival have become redundant and obsolete
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
. In my opinion,
Did you mean "it's" (="it is") instead of 'its' (possessive pronoun)?
its
a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
and one
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
adopt these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
techniques to progress
rather
than sticking to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
traditional methods.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fields
of agriculture
is revolutionized
by the recent developments in this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
field
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
extremely
effective irrigation systems
are developed
which provide
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
the essential amount of water to the crops
thus
saving its excessive utility.
Similarly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
fertilizers and pesticides are available in the market and all these measures have resulted in an enormous increase in production rate per square
Possible spelling mistake. 'kilometre' is British English.
kilometre
. To give you an example, by applying these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
and innovations, Israel, a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
country, is capable to produce wheat which can be sufficient to feed the whole world.

Secondly
, in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
field
of industry,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
machinery and artificial intelligence have created a breakthrough with such an efficient and cost effective system that has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduced
the requirement of manpower. Heavy manual work which was previously required in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
industries can
be done
with the latest cranes and other equipment. The application of these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
techniques has resulted in the building of skyscrapers which would not have been possible if one
is stuck
with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
techniques.

Finally
, even at the domestic level, several electronic devices have
been developed
which have completely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
the life at home.
For example
, washing machines, dishwashers and vacuum cleaners have brought an incredible
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ease
in the life of a common
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
man
with a significant time efficiency and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduced
effort.

To conclude
, the world around us is changing for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
technologies in almost all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fields
of life.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Only
those who have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
accepted
and adopted these
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
are bound
to progress in the future and not those
still
working with traditional methods.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
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Arab Proverb

IELTS essay Talk about the person who has inspired you. Describe the person and explain why you found him or her inspirational v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
330 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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