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Talk about an important experience you recently had. Describe what happened and why it was important to you. v.1

Talk about an important experience you recently had. Describe what happened and why it was important to you. v. 1
Imagine a world without phones, quiet and peaceful yet feels lonely. There's no denying that mobile phones have become a great part of our lives, but recent research has proven that they could be quite dangerous if not used properly. There is no limit to what a phone can do. They enable you to have everything at a grasp of a hand, from communication to task management to develop habits. . . Etc. There are many apps designed to help you, for instance, there are apps that could be used in diet or that can aid you with learning languages, there are ones that facilitates communication and many more. That is all besides having internet that enables you to search whatever you want. Like it or hate it, but smart phones are simply irreplaceable. Nevertheless, nothing is that good. While phones have lots of perks they prove to be detrimental. They are becoming very addictive; people spend the majority of their day on their phones rather than socializing or going out. You'd find them on their phones even when they are in the company of friends, it's alarming and that's not even half of it. Modern research demonstrates that such devices emit radiations that can harm our brains and bodies. Further studies show that staying for long hours on the phones can weaken eyesight, produce headaches and even stimulate mental illnesses. As a result, some people believe that the government should intervene and restrict mobile ownership. But would that help? In my opinion, I don't think that restricting phones would do the trick as the government can't control people's behaviour and tendencies. I believe that it's a matter of personal choice; people are free to do what they want. However, the government could still play a role by spreading awareness about proper phone usage and perhaps issue some laws that protect the public like the one prohibiting phone use while driving. In conclusion, Mobiles are handy devices that we can't do without but considering the consequences that comes along with it one should be careful about how they use them.
Imagine a world without
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
, quiet and peaceful
yet
feels lonely. There's no denying that mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
have become a great part of our
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
recent research has proven that they could be quite
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
if not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
properly
.

There is no limit to what a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phone
can do. They enable you to have everything at a grasp of a hand, from communication to task management to develop habits.
Don't put a space before the full stop
.
Don't put a space before the full stop
.
Etc. There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
apps designed to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
you,
for instance
, there are apps that could be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
in diet or that can aid you with learning languages, there are ones that facilitates communication and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
more.
That is
all
besides
having internet that enables you to search whatever you want. Like it or hate it,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
smart
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
are
simply
irreplaceable.

Nevertheless
, nothing is that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
.
“While” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
While
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
have lots of perks they prove to be detrimental. They are becoming
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
addictive;
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
spend the majority of their day on their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
rather
than socializing or going out. You'd find them on their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
even when they are in the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
of friends, it's alarming and that's not even half of it. Modern research demonstrates that such devices emit radiations that can harm our brains and bodies.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Further
studies
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
that staying for long hours on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
can weaken eyesight, produce headaches and even stimulate mental illnesses.
As a result
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe that the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should intervene and restrict mobile ownership.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
would that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
?

In my opinion, I don't
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that restricting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
would do the trick as the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
can't control
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
and tendencies. I believe that it's a matter of personal choice;
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are free to do what they want.
However
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
could
still
play a role by spreading awareness about proper
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phone
usage and perhaps issue
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
laws that protect the public like the one prohibiting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phone
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
while driving.

In conclusion
, Mobiles are handy devices that we can't do without
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
considering the consequences that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
along with it one should be careful about how they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
them.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Talk about an important experience you recently had. Describe what happened and why it was important to you. v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
350 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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