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Talk about an activity in your school/college and what you learned from it? Use specific reasons and examples. v.1

Talk about an activity in your school/college and what you learned from it? Use specific reasons and examples. v. 1
In China, there are a variety of customs among nations for people to celebrate for different reasons. One of customs that I recommended for people from the other nations to learn is Double Nine Festival on September 9 annually according to Chinese lunar calendar. The essay will illustrate the two reasons for my recommendation. Firstly, Double Nine Festival has been in Chinese history for a long time. On the day, the Chinese will climb mountains to reach the apex to explore the beauty of nature with their friends or family members; meanwhile, it provides opportunities for them to enhance their friendship or relationship among their families. In the contemporary era, hectic lifestyles and busy work schedules may disturb people's daily lives worldwide, especially in western countries. If people adapt themselves to celebrate this festival, they will benefit their personal lives by escaping their busy lifestyles and enjoy their time in the nature. Therefore, it also help them to stay healthy. In addition, besides climbing mountains, other activities done by Chinese in Double Nine Festival include flying home-made kites, admiring flowers, making steam cakes etc. The activities will enhance the sense of enjoying outdoor sports with a healthy diet. For example, making a kite from the original material with their children, parents provide a chance for their children to practice their creation by using traditional methods for which children will have less screen time and be more active. If people from outside of China learned to practice the activities annually, they will have more vivid lifestyles. In conclusion, the activities that Chinese carry out on Double Nine Festival will enhance their lifestyles and harmony in China. People in western countries should adapt themselves to practice it annually so that  they will escape their hectic lifestyle and raise a happy family.  Therefore, ordinary inhabitants should learn novel and healthy customs worldwide to keep their daily lives more colourful.
In China, there are a variety of customs among nations for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to celebrate for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
reasons. One of customs that I recommended for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
from the other nations to learn is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Double
Nine
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Festival
on September 9
annually
according to Chinese lunar calendar. The essay will illustrate the two reasons for my recommendation.

Firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Double
Nine
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Festival
has been in Chinese history for a long time. On the day, the Chinese will climb mountains to reach the apex to explore the beauty of nature with their friends or family members; meanwhile, it provides opportunities for them to enhance their friendship or relationship among their families. In the contemporary era, hectic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lifestyles
and busy work schedules may disturb
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's daily
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
worldwide,
especially
in western countries. If
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
adapt themselves to celebrate this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
festival
, they will benefit their personal
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
by escaping their busy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lifestyles
and enjoy their time in the nature.
Therefore
, it
also
Did you mean "helps"?
help
them to stay healthy.

In addition
,
besides
climbing mountains, other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
done by Chinese in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Double
Nine
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Festival
include flying home-made kites, admiring flowers, making steam cakes etc. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
will enhance the sense of enjoying outdoor sports with a healthy diet.
For example
, making a kite from the original material with their children, parents provide a chance for their children to practice their creation by using traditional methods for which children will have less screen time and be more active. If
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
from outside of China learned to practice the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
annually
, they will have more vivid lifestyles.

In conclusion
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
that Chinese carry out on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Double
Nine Festival will enhance their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lifestyles
and harmony in China.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
in western countries should adapt themselves to practice it
annually
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
  
they will escape their hectic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lifestyle
and raise a happy family.  
Therefore
, ordinary inhabitants should learn novel and healthy customs worldwide to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
their daily
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
more
Possible spelling mistake. 'colourful' is British English.
colourful
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Talk about an activity in your school/college and what you learned from it? Use specific reasons and examples. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
309 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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