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Talk about a time when a friend or family member helped you in the past. Describe how the person helped you. Then explain why this was important to you. v.1

Talk about a time when a friend or family member helped you in the past. Describe how the person helped you. Then explain why this was important to you. v. 1
Some nations advise secondary school graduates to take travel for about 12 months or sometimes take a job for the same period before going for their post secondary education. This can help young people have a clear idea of what they want to study and also pay for the studies they need. However, it can also make them lose focus. Travelling can give high school graduates the maturity to select a career. When these young people go on vacation for a while to see the world they tend to interact with various people and experience different cultures, thus, expanding their mind this in turn makes them decide what path to take. For instance, a number of pre-university students who went on a tour of the northern states in Nigeria chose the career path of community social workers in order to address the societal and moral decadence in the area. Furthermore, working is also an avenue to save for their higher institution. For instance, 80% of post secondary students in Nigeria have chosen to work as a result of the current hardship in the country to enable them pay for future tertiary studies. On the other hand, the downside of travelling or working before going further to pursue their career goal is the tendency to lose focus. Young pre-university people are very impressionable and can get distracted by things they see, what they experience and monies they make. To give a clear example, recent research by the Lagos State research board concluded that out of the 80% of students who decided to take a trip or take a job before returning to school only 20% actually went back to tertiary institutions quite a number of them lost focus and went on to other things. To conclude, admittedly, it is a good idea for young people to journey or work for a while before going further in their studies Nevertheless, societies should put measures in place to ensure that these goals are met and that the focus is not lost.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
nations advise secondary school graduates to take travel for about 12 months or
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
take a job for the same period
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
before
going for their post secondary education. This can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
of what they want to study and
also
pay for the studies they need.
However
, it can
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them lose focus.

Travelling can give high school graduates the maturity to select a career. When these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
go on vacation for a while to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
the world they tend to interact with various
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
and experience
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
cultures,
thus
, expanding their mind this in turn
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
them decide what path to take.
For instance
, a number of
Possible spelling mistake found.
pre-university
students who went on a tour of the northern states in Nigeria chose the career path of community social workers in order to address the societal and moral decadence in the area.
Furthermore
, working is
also
an avenue to save for their higher institution.
For instance
, 80% of post secondary students in Nigeria have chosen to work
as a result
of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
hardship in the country to enable them pay for future tertiary studies.

On the other hand
, the downside of travelling or working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
before
going
further
to pursue their career goal is the tendency to lose focus.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Young
Possible spelling mistake found.
pre-university
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
impressionable and can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
distracted by things they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
, what they experience and monies they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
. To give a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
example, recent research by the Lagos State research board concluded that out of the 80% of students who decided to take a trip or take a job
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
before
returning to school
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
20% actually went back to tertiary institutions quite a number of them lost focus and went on to other things.

To conclude
,
admittedly
, it is a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to journey or work for a while
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
before
going
further
in their studies
Nevertheless
, societies should put measures in place to ensure that these goals
are met
and that the focus is not lost.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
I am always sorry when any language is lost, because languages are the pedigrees of nations.
Samuel Johnson

IELTS essay Talk about a time when a friend or family member helped you in the past. Describe how the person helped you. Then explain why this was important to you. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
338 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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