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Talk about a particular goal you have had in yor life and what you have done to meat this goal. Use details and examples in your response v.1

Talk about a particular goal you have had in yor life and what you have done to meat this goal. Use details and examples in your response v. 1
In today’s world, socialism and being a member of the society is a crucial value in our life. Contributing positively to the society is a target for everyone. Some people see that directing children to participate, and being a member of the society is something that should be ensured by the parents’ duty, while the other camp believes that it is the school’s task. Both sides of this debate will be analysed before drawing a conclusion. On the one hand, assigning parents to teach their children to be the good members of the society is supported by some people. For example, parents may teach their children and guide them to assist poor people by providing the food prepared by their parents. This example shows how parents may take the lead, to guide their children to be positive and valued in the society. Therefore, this idea is supported by many. The parents are more close to the children and they can teach their kids the important aspects of being a good member of the society. Most of the children mimic their parents’ activities and thus the parents have a greater role in setting good examples for their kids. On the other hand, many believe that school plays golden rule in children's life. For instance, a school may prepare a campaign for their students to clean certain areas in their city. Such attitude gives children practical experience in contributing to the society. Thus, many argue that it would be better to leave this to the school. The teachers on behalf of the school have a big role to teach the students those responsibilities. Since students listen to their teacher's suggestion and command, they are more likely to obey the things their teachers would teach. Finally, the curriculum and textbooks can include such topics to increase the awareness among the students. In conclusion, the debate will always remain between both camps for assigning this responsibility. In my opinion, schools should take this task on their shoulders as the children spend most of their daytime there.
In
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
’s world, socialism and being a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
member
of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
is a crucial value in our life. Contributing
positively
to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
is a target for everyone.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
that directing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to participate, and being a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
member
of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
is something that should
be ensured
by the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents’
duty, while the other camp believes that it is the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school’s
task. Both sides of this debate will be
Possible spelling mistake. 'analysed' is British English.
analysed
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
drawing a conclusion.

On the one hand, assigning
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teach
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to be the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
members
of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
is supported
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.
For example
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
may
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teach
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
and guide them to assist poor
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
by providing the food prepared by their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
. This example
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
how
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
may take the lead, to guide their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
and valued in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
.
Therefore
, this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
is supported
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
are more close to the
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
children and
they can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teach
their kids the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
aspects of being a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
member
of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
. Most of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
mimic their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents’
activities and
thus
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
have a greater role in setting
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
examples for their kids.

On the other hand
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
plays golden
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
rule
in children's life.
For instance
, a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
may prepare a campaign for their students to clean certain areas in their city. Such attitude gives
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
practical experience in contributing to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
.
Thus
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
argue that it would be better to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
this to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
. The teachers on behalf of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
have a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
role to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teach
the students those responsibilities. Since students listen to their teacher's suggestion and command, they are more likely to obey the things their teachers would
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teach
.
Finally
, the curriculum and textbooks can include such topics to increase the awareness among the students.

In conclusion
, the debate will always remain between both camps for assigning this responsibility. In my opinion,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
should take this task on their shoulders as the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
spend most of their daytime there.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Talk about a particular goal you have had in yor life and what you have done to meat this goal. Use details and examples in your response v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
342 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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