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Supermarkets should only sell food produced from within their own country rather than imports from overseas What are your opinions on this v.2

Supermarkets should only sell food produced from within their own country rather than imports from overseas What are your opinions on this v. 2
The social phenomenon of food consumption has been drawing public attention. The question of whether supermarket should sorely sell goods manufactured from within their country or importing food from other countries not is a controversial issue. I totally disagree with this point of view and this essay will show the following reasons. There are several reasons to explain why food consumption in a country without importing that takes its toll on many aspects of a country. If the number of supermarkets does not have a necessary innovation about ingredients, foods and among others; all residents will become bored with full of out of dated products. This means that leading to the dire consequence which all citizens gradually steer clear of these products. Furthermore, the profit of the supermarkets would be declined considerably in the sense that the income of the staffs also could be excessively low, which throws their quality of life in disarray. On the contrary, many hold a belief that imported food could reap an array of benefits. First and Foremost, this also presents many perfect opportunities to enhance the quality of food. To be more specific, the promotion of creativity in food could be developed strongly, which makes the competition between many supermarkets become cutthroat with the sole objective to revenue the income. As a result, this provides people with a lot of selections in purchasing food. Secondly, it is when many imported foods are widespread which is the main culprit of multi-tasking the rate of unemployment for any government. The end results could support the government to lose pressure about the responsibility of the welfare state, which is stretched thin steadily when out of work is to increase from year to year. For the reasons mentioned above, the assets of imported foods will be far more significant than employing foods self-produced.
The social phenomenon of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
consumption has been drawing public attention.
Wordiness: Consider shortening this phrase.
The question of whether
supermarket should
sorely
sell
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
goods
manufactured from within their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
or importing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
from other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
not is a controversial issue. I
totally
disagree with this point of view and this essay will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
the following reasons.

There are several reasons to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explain
why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
consumption in a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
without importing that takes its toll on
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
aspects of a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
. If the number of supermarkets does not have a necessary innovation about ingredients,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
and among others; all residents will become bored with full of out of dated products. This means that leading to the dire consequence which all citizens
gradually
steer
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
of these products.
Furthermore
, the profit of the supermarkets would
be declined
considerably
in the sense that the income of the staffs
also
could be
excessively
low, which throws their quality of life in disarray.

On the contrary
,
Possible agreement error. The noun hold seems to be countable; consider using: "many holds".
many hold
a belief that imported
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
could reap an array of benefits.
First
and Foremost, this
also
presents
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
perfect opportunities to enhance the quality of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
. To be more specific, the promotion of creativity in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
could
be developed
strongly
, which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
the competition between
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
supermarkets become cutthroat with the sole objective to revenue the income.
As a result
, this provides
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
selections in purchasing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
.
Secondly
, it is when
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
imported
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
are widespread which is the main culprit of multi-tasking the rate of unemployment for any
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
. The
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
results could support the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
to lose pressure about the responsibility of the welfare state, which
is stretched
thin
steadily
when out of work is to increase from year to year.

For the reasons mentioned above, the assets of imported
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
will be far more significant than employing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
self-produced.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
15Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes
Language is not a genetic gift, it is a social gift. Learning a new language is becoming a member of the club – the community of speakers of that language.
Frank Smith

IELTS essay Supermarkets should only sell food produced from within their own country rather than imports from overseas What are your opinions on this v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
305 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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