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Successful sport players can earn a great deal more money than people in other professions. Some people think this is fully justified while others think it is unfair. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion. v.1

Successful sport players can earn a great deal more money than people in other professions. Some people think this is fully justified while others think it is unfair. v. 1
The fact that celebrated sport players make far more money than people in other professional groups is often debated topic in many societies. I believe that professional athletes are overpaid compared to the value they have in society, whereas many other experts are earning slightly over average. On the one hand, there are reasons why professional athletes' salaries might seem rightfully high. This is largely because they sacrifice important aspects of their lives, especially their health and family. For example, during each season of any professional event, there are away games that keep players away from their family. More significant, though, is that players put their bodies in danger of physical injury daily. Therefore, athletic stars' income is a fair compensation for the countless time and energy they put into the sport. On the other hand, such a high wages for the sportsman celebrities can have negative effects on a progress of society in general. This is due to the fact that many medical staff and research scientists earn just around 10 percent of the professional sportsman annual income. Hence, younger generations are unmotivated in devoting their time to practice lifesaving professional skills or improve their intellect. Take for instance the emerging situation with the corona virus infection. While all attention is focused on understaffed doctors and scientists to save as many lives as possible, sport celebrities are isolated in more than luxurious ambient. Consequently, humanity is at risk when entertainment became more valuable than public health. To conclude from the examples and arguments given, I firmly disagree that wages determined through worldwide fame rather than idealistic beliefs are unacceptable. Hopes are that the income gap between disciplines such as sports industry and the medical establishment will decline in the future, before it is too late.
The fact that celebrated sport players
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
far more money than
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
in other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
professional
groups is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
debated topic in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
societies. I believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
professional
athletes are overpaid compared to the value they have in society, whereas
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
other experts are earning
slightly
over average.

On the one hand, there are reasons why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
professional
athletes' salaries might seem
rightfully
high. This is
largely
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they sacrifice
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
aspects of their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
,
especially
their health and family.
For example
, during each season of any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
professional
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
event
, there are away games that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
players away from their family. More significant, though, is that players put their bodies in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
danger
of physical injury daily.
Therefore
, athletic stars' income is a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fair
compensation for the countless time and energy they put into the sport.

On the other hand
, such a high wages for the sportsman celebrities can have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effects on
Uncountable nouns are usually not used with an indefinite article. Use simply "progress".
a progress
of society
in general
.
This is due to the fact that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
medical staff and research scientists earn
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
around 10 percent of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
professional
sportsman annual income.
Hence
, younger generations
are unmotivated
in devoting their time to practice lifesaving
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
professional
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
or
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their intellect. Take
for instance
the emerging situation with the
The term "coronavirus" (= disease) is spelled as one word.
corona virus
infection. While all attention
is focused
on understaffed doctors and scientists to save as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
as possible, sport celebrities
are isolated
in more than luxurious ambient.
Consequently
, humanity is at
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
when entertainment became more valuable than public health.

To conclude
from the examples and arguments
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
, I
firmly
disagree that wages determined through worldwide fame
rather
than idealistic beliefs are unacceptable. Hopes are that the income gap between disciplines such as sports industry and the medical establishment will decline in the future,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
it is too late.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
9Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
9Mistakes

IELTS essay Successful sport players can earn a great deal more money than people in other professions. Some people think this is fully justified while others think it is unfair. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
296 words
9
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 9.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 9.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 9.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 9.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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