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some people plan every detail of their travel in advance, others prefer to have a flexible plan. which one do you prefer and why? v.1

some people plan every detail of their travel in advance, others prefer to have a flexible plan. which one do you prefer and why? v. 1
Gender equality in terms of employment is debatable. Some group of individuals thinks that while hiring women for police or army force, they should be treated equally as men. On the other hand, few individuals thinks that they are less suited for these kind of jobs, I believe that they should be treated the same as male candidates. However, this essay will discuss both the aspects in detail. There are a few reasons for some individuals to hold their opinion that women are unsuited for certain kinds of work including police or military. First, these jobs required extreme physical strength. As the females are less physically strong due to their small muscles compared to the male body. In addition, in military service, soldiers have to face more difficulties while defending themselves where they have to move around with carrying heavy firearms, female soldiers might get into the trouble in this circumstance, which can increase their risk of mission failure. Therefore some people have thoughts that they are not fit to work in this field. Nevertheless, in my view female applicants should be considered for police or army placements without a gender bias, because women are more suitable in certain task in the police service. For instance, it requires a female officer for body search as male officers are restricted from touching lady convicts. Moreover, in military service, female staff are far better than males in terms of taking care for injured soldiers as they are more dedicated and heartwarming in this task. Furthermore, many women have dreams to work for their respective nation. Besides this some of them have relevant expertise and qualifications. Therefore, they should not be discriminated for such kind of jobs. To conclude, although some of have the opinion that females are not suitable for police and army duties because of high demand in physical strength, I believe that they are more appropriate in certain roles compared to male candidates, and therefore both genders should get equal job opportunities in this security and defence job industry.
Gender equality in terms of employment is debatable.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
group of individuals
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thinks
that while hiring
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
police
or army force, they should
be treated
Use either "equally" or "as" on its own. When comparing two nouns, use "just as".
equally as
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
.
On the other hand
, few individuals
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thinks
that they are less suited for
Did you mean "this kind" or "these kinds"?
these kind
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
, I believe that they should
be treated
the same as male candidates.
However
, this essay will discuss both the aspects in detail.

There are a few reasons for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
individuals to hold their opinion that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
are unsuited
for certain kinds of work including
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
police
or military.
First
, these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
required extreme physical strength. As the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
females
are less
physically
strong due to their
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
muscles compared to the male body.
In addition
, in military service, soldiers
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
face more difficulties while defending themselves where they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
move
around with carrying heavy firearms,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
female
soldiers might
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
into the trouble in this circumstance, which can increase their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
of mission failure.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Therefore
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
have thoughts that they are not fit to work in this field.

Nevertheless
, in my view
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
female
applicants should
be considered
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
police
or army placements without a gender bias,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
are more suitable in certain task in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
police
service.
For instance
, it requires a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
female
officer for body search as male officers
are restricted
from touching lady convicts.
Moreover
, in military service,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
female
staff are far better than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
males
in terms of taking care for injured soldiers as they are more dedicated and heartwarming in this task.
Furthermore
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
have dreams to work for their respective nation.
Besides
this
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
of them have relevant expertise and qualifications.
Therefore
, they should not
be discriminated
for such kind of jobs.

To conclude
, although
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
of have the opinion that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
females
are not suitable for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
police
and army duties
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of high demand in physical strength, I believe that they are more appropriate in certain roles compared to male candidates, and
therefore
both genders should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
equal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
opportunities in this security and
Possible spelling mistake. 'defence' is British English.
defence
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
industry.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay some people plan every detail of their travel in advance, others prefer to have a flexible plan. which one do you prefer and why? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
339 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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