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Studies have suggested that nowadays children much more television than they did in the past and spent less time on active or creative things. What are the reasons and what measures should be taken to encourage children to spend more time on active or cre v.1

Studies have suggested that nowadays children much more television than they did in the past and spent less time on active or creative things. What are the reasons and what measures should be taken to encourage children to spend more time on active or cre v. 1
Nowadays, the purpose of education has changed in South Korea. Some people advocate the competition among children, while others believe that children who are brought up to co-operate with each other will become more responsible and social. There are advantages and disadvantages for both of the arguments. To begin with, what is the bright side if a sense of competition between children is made? Faced with intense competition, children are stimulated to spend longer time in making efforts. In such situations, it is common for a majority of students in South Korea to have personal tutors who are responsible for teaching them extra knowledge on weekends in order to improve their competitiveness in studies. Furthermore, during vacations, students prefer to study abroad for a month rather than review their school works. If they have experiences such as going abroad, then it will be easier for them to apply for a well-known high school successfully. Moreover, there are four main school-level and two national examinations to test the students’ learning abilities. Generally, only the top 40% of them have opportunities to attend a good quality high school, which requires outstanding performance in the previous competition. On the other hand, as they are busy with independent learning, problems that have been produced cannot be overlooked. Children nowadays become selfish, careless and reluctant to help others, especially on the occasion of studies. So there may be a lack of collaboration between them. This should not be encouraged because even though every one of them is intelligent, they still have various weaknesses. Co-operation, indeed, can provide students with opportunities to learn from other candidates and improve their own personalities as well. In conclusion, I strongly agree that children should not be taught to compete but to co-operate. Nobody is perfect, so people are suggested learning and working together to fulfil themselves. Therefore, I think that parents and teachers should educate children to concentrate on collaboration, instead of competing and ranking.
Nowadays, the purpose of education has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
in South Korea.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
advocate the competition among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
, while others believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
who
are brought
up to co-operate with each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
will become more responsible and social. There are advantages and disadvantages for both of the arguments.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, what is the bright side if a sense of competition between
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
is made
? Faced with intense competition,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are stimulated
to spend longer time in making efforts. In such situations, it is common for a majority of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
in South Korea to have personal tutors who are responsible for teaching them extra knowledge on weekends in order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their competitiveness in studies.

Furthermore
, during vacations,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
prefer to study abroad for a month
rather
than review their school works. If they have experiences such as going abroad, then it will be easier for them to apply for a well-known high school
successfully
.
Moreover
, there are four main school-level and two national examinations to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
test
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students’
learning abilities.
Generally
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
the top 40% of them have opportunities to attend a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
quality high school, which requires outstanding performance in the previous competition.

On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand, as they are busy with independent learning, problems that have
been produced
cannot
be overlooked
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children
nowadays become selfish, careless and reluctant to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
others,
especially
on the occasion of studies.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
there may be a lack of collaboration between them. This should not
be encouraged
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
even though
every one of them is intelligent, they
still
have various weaknesses. Co-operation,
indeed
, can provide
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
with opportunities to learn from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
candidates and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
personalities
as well
.

In conclusion
, I
strongly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should not
be taught
to compete
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
to co-operate. Nobody is perfect,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are suggested
learning and working together to fulfil themselves.
Therefore
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that parents and teachers should educate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to concentrate on collaboration,
instead
of competing and ranking.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Studies have suggested that nowadays children much more television than they did in the past and spent less time on active or creative things. What are the reasons and what measures should be taken to encourage children to spend more time on active or cre v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
326 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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