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Studies have suggested that children watch much more television than they did in the past and spend less time on active or creative things. What are the reasons and provide some solutions? v.2

Studies have suggested that children watch much more television than they did in the past and spend less time on active or creative things. What are the reasons and provide some solutions? v. 2
With an unlimited access to education, entertainment and information, TV brings a diverse and fascinating world at the touch of a button. Hence, children excessively waste their time on watching TV regardless of taking the higher risk of being obesity or violent. There are some causes of this problem and several solutions proposed to tackle it. The first reason is that the more overwhelming the workload is, the less attention to children parents pay. Clearly, instead of spending time on upbringing their kid, parents allow him to watch TV for self-education in order not to be bothered while they are working. The second root is the accelerating speed of entertainment industry. Inactiveness in youngster is born out of a sedentary lifestyle with never-ending animation shows on Disney Channel or BIBI TV. However, a number of feasible solutions are suggested to deal with this challenging task. Firstly, it is parents’responsibilities to control children’s time on watching TV. For example, they can have their kids do the housework or recommend them going to friends’house. Also, schools should encourage students to participate in clubs, organize more physical competition and have picnics. As a result, students not only become seperated from TV but also have soft skills or make friends. In conclusion, apparent explanations why children get addicted to TV and viable solutions are addressed to halt this issue effectively.
With
Uncountable nouns are usually not used with an indefinite article. Use simply "unlimited access".
an unlimited access
to education, entertainment and information, TV brings a diverse and fascinating world at the touch of a button.
Hence
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
excessively
waste their time on watching TV regardless of taking the higher
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
of being obesity or violent. There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
causes of this problem and several solutions proposed to tackle it.

The
first
reason is that the more overwhelming the workload is, the less attention to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
parents pay.
Clearly
,
instead
of spending time on upbringing their kid, parents
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
him to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
TV for self-education in order not to
be bothered
while they are working. The second root is the accelerating speed of entertainment industry.
Possible spelling mistake found.
Inactiveness
in youngster
is born
out of a sedentary lifestyle with never-ending animation
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
on Disney Channel or
Possible spelling mistake found.
BIBI
TV.

However
, a number of feasible solutions
are suggested
to deal with this challenging task.
Firstly
, it is parents’responsibilities to control
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
time on watching TV.
For example
, they can have their kids do the housework or recommend them going to friends’
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
.
Also
, schools should encourage students to participate in clubs, organize more physical competition and have picnics.
As a result
, students not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
become
Possible spelling mistake found.
seperated
from TV
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
have soft
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
or
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
friends.

In conclusion
, apparent explanations why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
addicted to TV and viable solutions
are addressed
to halt this issue
effectively
.
12Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
4Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes
If you talk to a man in a language he understands, that goes to his head. If you talk to him in his own language, that goes to his heart.
Nelson Mandela

IELTS essay Studies have suggested that children watch much more television than they did in the past and spend less time on active or creative things. What are the reasons and provide some solutions? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
226 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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