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Students perform better in school when they are rewarded rather than punished. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.1

Students perform better in school when they are rewarded rather than punished. v. 1
Nowadays, when students can perform well, many schools give them a reward. This is a better way than punished when they do something wrong. In my view, I totally agree with this statement. There are many reasons that I agree that rewarded is greater than punished. The main reason is human love to hearing good words from others, especially, children because every word that teachers talk to them will affect their behaviour and their lives in the future. For example, if the children received rewards from teachers due to perfect homeworks. This will motivate them to be a good student and always do homework. Finally, they can get a higher grade, which causes them more confident in further situations when they grow up. In addition, adults who have impressed in school experience will encourage their children to go to school because a lot of advantages when they grow up. Another reason is punished cause of bad experience in childhood. For instance, students who got a punished in the young age at school. They do not like to go to school because they afraid to punish again or some students was embarrassed when they make a mistake. That lead to students always absent class. Since, they are growing up to be an adults they will not have any knowledge of finding a professional job. Furthermore, they will be a society problems in the future, like to be a thief. In conclusion, I believe that reward is more beneficial than punish. Everyone like rewards which will fulfil their happiness and proud experience in childhood.
Nowadays, when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
can perform well,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
give them a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reward
. This is a better way than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
punished
when they do something
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
. In my view, I
totally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this statement.

There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
reasons that I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that rewarded is greater than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
punished
. The main reason is human
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
to hearing
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
words from others,
especially
, children
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
every word that teachers talk to them will affect their
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
and their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
in the future.
For example
, if the children received
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rewards
from teachers due to perfect
Possible spelling mistake found.
homeworks
. This will motivate them to be a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
and always do homework.
Finally
, they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a higher grade, which causes them more confident in
further
situations when they grow up.
In addition
, adults who have impressed in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
experience will encourage their children to go to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
advantages when they grow up.

Another reason is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
punished
cause of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
experience in childhood.
For instance
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
punished
in the young age at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
. They do not like to go to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You miss the verb here. You should rather write: "they're afraid".
they afraid
to punish again or
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
was embarrassed
when they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a mistake. That lead to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
always absent
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
.
“Since” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Since
, they are growing up to be
Don't use indefinite articles with plural words. Did you mean "an adult" or simply "adults"?
an adults
they will not have any knowledge of finding a professional job.
Furthermore
, they will be a society problems in the future, like to be a thief.

In conclusion
, I believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reward
is more beneficial than punish. Everyone like
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rewards
which will fulfil their happiness and proud experience in childhood.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes

IELTS essay Students perform better in school when they are rewarded rather than punished. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
262 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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