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Students perform better in school when they are rewarded rather than punished. To what extent do agree or disagree? Discuss both views and give your own opinion. v.2

Students perform better in school when they are rewarded rather than punished. v. 2
To begin with, the rewards are needed everyone and they are important in order to improve someone. Personally, I think that the most of rewards should be given to students. I agree that students perform better when they are rewarded rather than punished, and it will be explained why. On the one hand, there are many reasons that rewarding students are greater then punishing. One of them is following, human love the hearing positive words from others, especially, students, because every word that teachers talk to students will affect their behaviour. In addition, students which receive rewards (like a certificate), from a teacher will perform better and do their best. Furthermore, rewards will motivate them to be a perfect and responsible in something. Likewise, students self-confident will increase day by day. On the other hand, punishing students then reward them cause of negative experience in childhood or at a young age. At the same time, students who are punished will not go to school again, in order to do not hear punishing from teachers again. For instance, some students are embarrassed when they are making a mistake or fail in object that lead to them do not have knowledge. Furthermore, it will effect to their future lifestyle or finding a professional job. Afterwards, they can be a society problem like a thief, who will punish mutually in answer. To sum up all above mentioned opinions, suggestions, it is obvious that students will perfect at something or perform better when they are rewarded rather than punished.
To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rewards
are needed
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
everyone and
they are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
in order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
someone.
Personally
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that the most of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rewards
should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
perform better when they
are rewarded
rather
than punished, and it will be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explained
why.

On the one hand, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
reasons that rewarding
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
are
Did you mean "greater than"?
greater then
punishing. One of them is following, human
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
the hearing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
words from others,
especially
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
every word that teachers talk to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
will affect their
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
.
In addition
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
which receive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rewards
(like a certificate), from a teacher will perform better and do their best.
Furthermore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rewards
will motivate them to be a perfect and responsible in something.
Likewise
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
self-confident will increase day by day.

On the other hand
, punishing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
then
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reward
them cause of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
experience in childhood or at a young age. At the same time,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
who
are punished
will not go to school again, in order to do not hear punishing from teachers again.
For instance
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
are embarrassed
when they are making a mistake or fail in object that lead to them do not have knowledge.
Furthermore
, it will
Did you mean "affect"?
effect
to their future lifestyle or finding a professional job. Afterwards, they can be a society problem like a thief, who will punish
mutually
in answer.

To sum up all above mentioned opinions, suggestions, it is obvious that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
will perfect at something or perform better when they
are rewarded
rather
than punished.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes
Change your language and you change your thoughts.
Karl Albrecht

IELTS essay Students perform better in school when they are rewarded rather than punished. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
255 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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