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Some people believe that entertainers are more important than scientists. Do you agree or disagree? v.6

Some people believe that entertainers are more important than scientists. v. 6
In this expeditiously evolving world, occupation, which was earlier just a medium to earn a living, now defines your importance in the society. Some people believe that entertainment is paramount in our lives and, hence the occupation associated with it. I am in partial accord with the above perspective that entertainers are more valuable than scientists. I will reason my outlook diligently before implicating a rational conclusion. Throwing light on my view, I propound that Earth has been dying for years due to perennial over exploitation by humans. As a result, it needs scientists to revert the conditions and make it more habitable. To illustrate, fuel from water is one of the best innovations that has the potential to reduce carbon footprints. Next, in acquiring a complete insight about our galaxy, scientists have played an imperative role. Consequently, this has aided us to discover other planets similar to Earth. Furthermore, many innovations by them in the medical industry is saving millions of lives. Juxtaposed to my view, numerous savants reckon that entertainment is like a medicine to cure depression without any side effects. Hence, to proliferate happiness in our lives, we need entertainers. To illustrate, during my childhood whenever I used to feel low, my father would play comedy shows and that would cheer-up my mood. Also, millennials nowadays, spend a large proportion of their time watching TV shows and going to stand-up comedy sessions as this helps them to dwindle their depressing thoughts and improvises their concentration at work. To conclude, I believe that scientists are an important part of our lives as they make ameliorate it with their inventions, although comedy and fun are intrinsic to alleviate stress. Therefore, it is recommended to have balance between these two occupations.
In this
expeditiously
evolving world, occupation, which was earlier
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
a medium to earn a living,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
defines your importance in the society.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe that entertainment is paramount in our
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
and,
hence
the occupation associated with it. I am in partial accord with the above perspective that entertainers are more valuable than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
scientists
. I will reason my outlook
diligently
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
implicating a rational conclusion.

Throwing light on my view, I propound that Earth has been dying for years due to perennial over exploitation by humans.
As a result
, it needs
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
scientists
to revert the conditions and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
it more habitable. To illustrate, fuel from water is one of the best innovations that has the potential to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
carbon footprints.
Next
, in acquiring a complete insight about our galaxy,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
scientists
have played an imperative role.
Consequently
, this has aided us to discover other planets similar to Earth.
Furthermore
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
innovations by them in the medical industry is saving millions of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
.

Juxtaposed to my view, numerous savants reckon that entertainment is like a medicine to cure depression without any side effects.
Hence
, to proliferate happiness in our
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
, we need entertainers. To illustrate, during my childhood whenever I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to feel low, my father would play comedy
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
and that would cheer-up my mood.
Also
, millennials nowadays,
Consider using third-person verb forms for singular and mass nouns: "spends".
spend
a large proportion of their time watching TV
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
and going to stand-up comedy sessions as this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
them to dwindle their depressing thoughts and improvises their concentration at work.

To conclude
, I believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
scientists
are an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
part of our
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
as they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
ameliorate it with their inventions, although comedy and fun are intrinsic to alleviate
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
.
Therefore
, it
is recommended
to have balance between these two occupations.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people believe that entertainers are more important than scientists. v. 6

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
291 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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