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Some people feel that entertainers(e. g. film stars, pop musicians or sports stars) are paid too much money. Do you agree or disagree? Which other types of job should be highly paid. v.1

Some people feel that entertainers(e. g. film stars, pop musicians or sports stars) are paid too much money. Which other types of job should be highly paid. v. 1
There is an ongoing debate about the amount of money actors, musicians and athletes are paid and some people think it is excessive and I agree that the resources rewarded to them is beyond the normal limit. It is true that entertainers make people feel good and they need to be paid, but I agree that the amount of cash given to them is exorbitant. Firstly, this money paid to them makes them live extravagant lifestyles which makes them bad role models for the upcoming generation. Furthermore, It encourages them to believe that with a little work, just get famous and then you can have lots of money. For instance, the average young boy now wants to grow up to be a rapper. Secondly, the entertainment industry adds no real value to humanity when compared to other industries that risk their lives daily for their country. There are other types of vocation that should be highly paid and one of them is teachers. These people build up the younger generation academically and socially. Furthermore, they play a huge role in the lives of children by nurturing them till they are independent. In addition, people in the medical profession should be rewarded bountifully due to the fact that treat people, carry out surgeries for hours and do research to find cures to diseases that actually kill millions of people. Also, soldiers ought to be paid a lot of money because they risk their lives and most times pay the ultimate price to keep us safe. To conclude, without a doubt, entertainers should be paid their wages, but I think currently they are given too much remuneration when there are other types of profession that are selfless and life threatening which should be paid very high amounts of money.
There is an ongoing debate about the amount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
actors, musicians and athletes are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
it is excessive and I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that the resources rewarded to them is beyond the normal limit.

It is true that entertainers
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
feel
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
good and
they need to be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that the amount of cash
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
to them is exorbitant.
Firstly
, this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
to them
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
them
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
extravagant lifestyles which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
them
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
role models for the upcoming generation.
Furthermore
, It encourages them to believe that with a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
work,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
and then you can have lots of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
.
For instance
, the average young boy
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
wants to grow up to be a rapper.
Secondly
, the entertainment industry
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
adds
no real value to humanity when compared to other industries that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lives
daily for their country.

There are other types of vocation that should be
highly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
and one of them is teachers. These
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
build up the younger generation
academically
and
socially
.
Furthermore
, they play a huge role in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lives
of children by nurturing them till they are independent.
In addition
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in the medical profession should
be rewarded
bountifully
due to the fact that treat
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, carry out surgeries for hours and do research to find cures to diseases that actually kill millions of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
Also
, soldiers ought to be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lives
and most times pay the ultimate price to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
us safe.

To conclude
, without a doubt, entertainers should be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
their wages,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
currently
they are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
too much remuneration when there are other types of profession that are selfless and life threatening which should be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
high amounts of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people feel that entertainers(e. g. film stars, pop musicians or sports stars) are paid too much money. Which other types of job should be highly paid. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
297 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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