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Some young people have free time in the evenings after school or on days off from school. Which of the following activities would be most beneficial for young people (ages 14-18) to do in their spare time? Why? - Gaining practical work experience either a v.2

Some young people have free time in the evenings after school or on days off from school. Which of the following activities would be most beneficial for young people (ages 14-18) to do in their spare time? Why? - Gaining practical work experience either a v. 2
No one can cast a shadow of doubt on the fact that the efficient using of time has played a predominant role in the people’s future. Parent as an important member of each society seeks to pave the best way for children toward the success. One of the most highlighted duties of parents is planning a proper schedule for their children in free times. Not all people concur when this issue arises. To being cognizant to the logic behind those who endorse or repudiate the legitimacy of this contention, not having any biased perception, I presume that attending to a part time job or some communities for a specific work is more profitable for a child in his/her spare time than other activities such as sport or learning music. Among a plentitude of reason in support of this assertion, acquiring a lot of experiences and being familiar with people in a real work could be picked out for further analysis. To commence with, a consensus has yet to be reached; however, regarding the importance of work experience is finding a prestigious job in prosperous company, based upon the statistics of different general questionnaires in sundry countries, people are unanimous about the conviction that students could be familiar with workplaces and different device and common procedures in the workplace; moreover, they acquire valuable experiences and combine them with their knowledge. This leads to an educated worker which could utilize his/her knowledge in practical situations. Furthermore, these job’s experiences fortify students’ resume and prepare them for attending to the industry in the future. It is clear that companies are willing to employ these people based on their past. A vivid example can be given to shed light on what was elaborated above. The results of a study carried out by Rice University’s graduate students unveiled the fact that about 85 percent of engineers of Benz company in Germany have short time internship in this company or its related companies before the university. In addition to the reason raised above, regarding the people’s behavior’s difference among industrial places and academic place could also substantiate the justifiability of the claim at the outset of this essay. In conjunction with public belief, students could broaden their horizon about job’s duties and behaviors by participating in part-time jobs. In fact, they would be familiar with different people and various cultures and learn to respect other people’s ideas. Furthermore, they would be responsible for their activities, and if they make mistakes, accept it and try to correct them. For instance, when I was the child, I work for a big newspaper in my hometown. In that job, I should communicate with different people with different status and job positions. I learned that how to appeal different people in a specific manner and increase my profit by using this relation. Drawing upon the reasons, discreetly put, as far as my personal perspective on the topic is concerned, I reiterate that joining to a part-time job in the spare time of childhood could be more beneficial for children and the stepping-stone for future. It could increase not only their experiences but also their understanding of different people.
No one can cast a shadow of doubt on the fact that the efficient using of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
has played a predominant role in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
future. Parent as an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
member of each society seeks to pave the best way for children toward the success. One of the most highlighted duties of parents is planning a proper schedule for their children in free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
times
. Not all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
concur when this issue arises. To being cognizant to the logic behind those who endorse or repudiate the legitimacy of this contention, not having any biased perception, I presume that attending to a part
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
or
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
communities for a specific
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
is more profitable for a child in his/her spare
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
than other activities such as sport or learning music. Among a
Possible spelling mistake found.
plentitude
of reason in support of this assertion, acquiring
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
experiences
and being familiar with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in a real
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
could
be picked
out for
further
analysis.

To commence with, a consensus has
yet
to
be reached
;
however
, regarding the importance of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
experience
is finding a prestigious
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
in prosperous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
, based upon the statistics of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
different
general questionnaires in sundry countries,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are unanimous about the conviction that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
could be familiar with workplaces and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
different
device and common procedures in the workplace;
moreover
, they acquire valuable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
experiences
and combine them with their knowledge. This leads to an educated worker which could utilize his/her knowledge in practical situations.
Furthermore
, these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
experiences
fortify
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students’
resume and prepare them for attending to the industry in the future. It is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
are willing to employ these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
based on their past. A vivid example can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
to shed light on what
was elaborated
above. The results of a study carried out by Rice University’s graduate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
unveiled the fact that about 85 percent of engineers of Benz
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
in Germany have short
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
internship in this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
or its related
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
the university.

In addition
to the reason raised above, regarding the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
behavior’s difference among industrial places and academic place could
also
substantiate the
Possible spelling mistake found.
justifiability
of the claim at the outset of this essay. In conjunction with public belief,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
could broaden their horizon about
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job’s
duties and behaviors by participating in part-time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
.
Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
In
fact, they would be familiar with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
and various cultures and learn to respect other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
.
Furthermore
, they would be responsible for their activities, and if they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
mistakes, accept it and try to correct them.
For instance
, when I was the child, I
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
for a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
newspaper in my hometown. In that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
, I should communicate with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
different
status and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
positions. I learned that how to appeal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
Consider replacing "in a specific manner" with the adverb for "specific"; e.g., "in a hasty manner" with "hastily".
in a specific manner
and increase my profit by using this relation.

Drawing upon the reasons,
discreetly
put, as far as my personal perspective on the topic
is concerned
, I reiterate that joining to a part-time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
in the spare
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
of childhood could be more beneficial for children and the stepping-stone for future. It could increase not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
experiences
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
their understanding of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
50Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes
Learning is a treasure that will follow its owner everywhere.
Chinese Proverb

IELTS essay Some young people have free time in the evenings after school or on days off from school. Which of the following activities would be most beneficial for young people (ages 14-18) to do in their spare time? Why? - Gaining practical work experience either a v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
528 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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