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Some young people believe it’s best to move out of their hometowns when they become adults, while others wish to live in their hometowns their whole lives. v.2

Some young people believe it’s best to move out of their hometowns when they become adults, while others wish to live in their hometowns their whole lives. v. 2
Few individuals are of the opinion that entertainers such as actors, pop musicians or professional athletes are paid excessive money. I absolutely agree with this statement as I think that the other category to be paid well should be teachers. In a country, with a booming entertainment industry, it is necessary to pay the entertainers handsomely. Having said that, one cannot ignore the fact that the pay checks drawn by these people are massive. For example: for a concert by pop artists like Katy Perry or Taylor Swift, the artists earn in millions. Since, the television and internet are sourced to the world outside human beings want to be entertained at all times. They do not mind spending a fortune on watching a person telling jokes for an hour or watching a game at a stadium. It is not a luxury for everyone to become an actor or sportsmen, but viewing their role models enable them to relate to the event on a personal level. In a similar way movies encapsulate everyday life and struggles, which help the layman relate to the actor. Although, the wealth earned by actors is not justified. On the contrary, I believe the job that should be paid quite lavishly is teaching. It is because we have a limited number of teachers that children suffer. As a profession, a teacher earns bare minimum to sustain her life. This economic condition has made graduates rethink their decision when they leave college. There are a few who chose the profession purely for the love of educating another without the lust for financial growth. In conclusion, a better allocation of funds to the required profession will also help the nation at large.
Few individuals are of the opinion that entertainers such as
actors
, pop musicians or professional athletes
are paid
excessive money. I
absolutely
agree
with this statement as I
think
that the other category to
be paid
well should be teachers.

In a country, with a booming entertainment industry, it is necessary to pay the entertainers
handsomely
. Having said that, one cannot
ignore
the fact that the pay
checks
drawn by these
people
are massive.
For example
: for a concert by pop artists like Katy Perry or Taylor Swift, the artists earn in millions. Since, the television and internet
are sourced
to the world outside human beings want to
be entertained
at all times. They do not mind spending a fortune on watching a person telling jokes for an hour or watching a game at a stadium. It is not a luxury for everyone to become an
actor
or sportsmen,
but
viewing their role models enable them to relate to the
event
on a personal level.
In a similar way
movies encapsulate everyday life and struggles, which
help
the layman relate to the
actor
.
Although
, the wealth earned by
actors
is not justified.

On the contrary
, I believe the job that should
be paid
quite
lavishly
is teaching. It is
because
we have a limited number of teachers that children suffer. As a profession, a teacher earns bare minimum to sustain her life. This economic condition has made graduates rethink their decision when they
leave
college. There are a few who chose the profession
purely
for the
love
of educating another without the lust for financial growth.

In conclusion
, a better allocation of funds to the required profession will
also
help
the nation at large.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
The limits of my language are the limits of my world.
Ludwig Wittgenstein

IELTS essay Some young people believe it’s best to move out of their hometowns when they become adults, while others wish to live in their hometowns their whole lives. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
284 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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