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Some young people believe it’s best to move out of their hometowns when they become adults, while others wish to live in their hometowns their whole lives. Discuss both sides and give your opinion. v.1

Some young people believe it’s best to move out of their hometowns when they become adults, while others wish to live in their hometowns their whole lives. v. 1
One of the most difficult and important decisions a young person must make is whether to stay in their hometown, closer to family, or to move away and live in a new place. While both sides have their positive points, I would advocate for the latter option, since it is difficult to grow as a person unless you see more of the world. When I first finished school, I opted to move to Chinatown in New York City, where I then lived for a few years. That time proved to be vital to who I have since become, largely because I had my first real exposure to cultures other than my own. Although I had certainly met people from other countries before, Chinatown was a new world to me. I learned to appreciate how widely different cultures’ foods can vary, for example. Moving away also created job opportunities for me. Within a month of moving to New York, I was working as a cook in a very highly rated restaurant, which is exactly what I wanted to do. Leaving home allowed me to figure out who I wanted to be in a way that wasn’t possible in my hometown. Yet, some people are unwilling to leave home because doing so would require giving up something very precious--a deep sense community. A few years ago, one of my boyhood friends suffered a serious injury in a boating accident. My hometown community pitched in to help pay his medical bills and take care of some of his daily needs like cooking and grocery shopping. This overwhelming demonstration of support is a relatively normal occurrence in my hometown. People look out for one another, and help each other in myriad ways. Feeling deeply connected to others is reason enough to keep many within the community as young adults. Indeed, when I left my hometown as a teenager, I could feel my safety net had been removed from below me. It was scary, but it was exactly what I wanted at the time. The adventure of taking risks and meeting new people has shaped my life in countless ways. That’s why, for me at least, leaving my hometown was the best choice.
One of the most difficult and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
decisions a young person
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
is whether to stay in their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hometown
, closer to family, or to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
move
away and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
place. While both sides have their
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
points, I would advocate for the latter option, since it is difficult to grow as a person unless you
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
more of the world.

When I
first
finished school, I opted to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
move
to Chinatown in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
New
York City, where I then
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lived
for a few years. That time proved to be vital to
In a formal text, use "whom", not 'who'.
who
I have since become,
largely
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
I had my
first
real exposure to cultures
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
than my
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
. Although I had
certainly
met
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
countries
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
, Chinatown was a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
world to me. I learned to appreciate how
widely
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
cultures’ foods can vary,
for example
. Moving away
also
created job opportunities for me. Within a month of moving to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
New
York, I was working as a cook in a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
highly
rated restaurant, which is exactly what I wanted to do. Leaving home
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
me to figure out
In a formal text, use "whom", not 'who'.
who
I wanted to be in a way that wasn’t possible in my hometown.

Yet
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are unwilling to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
home
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
doing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
would require giving up something
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
precious--a deep sense community. A few years ago, one of my boyhood friends suffered a serious injury in a boating accident. My
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hometown
community pitched in to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
pay his medical bills and take care of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
of his daily needs like cooking and grocery shopping. This overwhelming demonstration of support is a
relatively
normal occurrence in my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hometown
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
look out for one another, and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
in myriad ways. Feeling
deeply
connected to others is reason
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
within the community as young adults.

Indeed
, when I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
left
my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hometown
as a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenager
, I could feel my safety net had
been removed
from below me. It was scary,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it was exactly what I wanted at the time. The adventure of taking
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risks
and meeting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
If 'people' is plural here, don't use the third-person singular verb.
has
shaped my life in countless ways. That’s why, for me at least, leaving my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hometown
was the best choice.
6Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
17Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes

IELTS essay Some young people believe it’s best to move out of their hometowns when they become adults, while others wish to live in their hometowns their whole lives. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
368 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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