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Some teachers think that international student exchange programs would be beneficial for all teenage school students. Do you think its advantages will outweigh the disadvantages? v.2

Some teachers think that international student exchange programs would be beneficial for all teenage school students. Do you think its advantages will outweigh the disadvantages? v. 2
Preceptors believe on student's studying in abroad where they will get more opportunities than studying in local areas. From my perspective, although there are lots of disadvantages in participating in international student exchange programs, the benefits are more significant. To begin with, if local learners think to study in foreign countries, the first thing comes to mind is their educational expenses which could be a burden for their family. The reason is that the families who have low or mid-level income, will not be able to support the cost of education in abroad. The other downside of international student exchange program is that those who admit in this program, they do not get the free medical facility so that it will be a heavy cost for families to bear the expenditure of medicine and treatment. Furthermore, students, for example, may face difficulty in mixing with new culture and society, since they are used to their own culture. In contrast, the most essential opportunities which await for local pupils, if they study in abroad. They will be able to talk fluently in overseas language which might impossible to talk like native speakers in their own country. This is because they would come into contact academic and general people while staying in abroad. For instance, international students have to meet regularly with classmates and counsellor solving the daily issues of lives. This regular contact, eventually, could help students to polish their languages. What is more, the host country provides scholarship and financial aid to all the niche international pupils. Thus, studying abroad is pretty much helpful. In conclusion, joining in international student exchange program would be fruitful for adolescents - thought by teachers, even though the shortcomings are profound. In my opinion, the advantages have eclipsed all its disadvantages due to the lessening the financial burden from the host country.
Preceptors believe on student's studying in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
abroad
where they will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
more opportunities than studying in local areas. From my perspective, although there are lots of disadvantages
Adverb repetition. Please, verify.
in participating in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
international
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
exchange
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
programs
, the benefits are more significant.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, if local learners
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
to study in foreign
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
, the
first
thing
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
to mind is their educational expenses which could be a burden for their family. The reason is that the families who have low or mid-level income, will not be able to support the cost of education in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
abroad
. The other downside of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
international
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
exchange
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
program
is that those who admit in this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
program
, they do not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
the free medical facility
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that it will be a heavy cost for families to bear the expenditure of medicine and treatment.
Furthermore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
,
for example
, may face difficulty in mixing with new culture and society, since they are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
culture.

In contrast
, the most essential opportunities which await for local pupils, if they study in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
abroad
. They will be able to talk
fluently
in overseas language which might impossible to talk like native speakers in their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
into contact academic and general
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
while staying in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
abroad
.
For instance
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
international
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
regularly
with classmates and
Possible spelling mistake. 'counsellor' is British English.
counsellor
solving the daily issues of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
. This regular contact,
eventually
, could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
to polish their languages.
What is more
, the host
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
provides scholarship and financial aid to all the niche
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
international
pupils.
Thus
, studying
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
abroad
is pretty much helpful.

In conclusion
, joining in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
international
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
exchange
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
program
would be fruitful for adolescents
Consider using an m-dash if you do not want to join two words.
-
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
by teachers,
even though
the shortcomings are profound. In my opinion, the advantages have eclipsed all its disadvantages due to the lessening the financial burden from the host
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
9Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
9Mistakes

IELTS essay Some teachers think that international student exchange programs would be beneficial for all teenage school students. Do you think its advantages will outweigh the disadvantages? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
308 words
9
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 9.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 9.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 9.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 9.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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