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some students work while they are studying, however, other students dont work. which one is your choice? v.2

some students work while they are studying, however, other students dont work. which one is your choice? v. 2
Imagine a city, for example New york is a pertinent one, where several people with disparate personality and various economics position are living together, at the first glance everything is good, but at a much deeper look it is shown that different economics situation causes a predicament situation for some students, which makes them to work simultaneously when are studying their major at school or university. As far as I am concerned I truly believe that having a dexterity skill at future and being well educated are assemble in an intricate and intriguingly obliging manner to create a countenance, promulgate advantages of working while students study. The starting point from what its worth, is an example from Iran research institute which utter that those students who are having a distress about money for their nutritive properties are going to be much more educated rather than those who have not even faced with a dilemma from their longevity of life, well its tightly related to their thinking and their goals for their future, it means those who are not sure about their parents support will try harder and longer than those who are completely cognizant of their parents lush incomes. Being well educated means having a virtuosity when those students who were working when they were studying, have a job at their workplace. Skillful workers will intensify economics growth of their country. One more special thing about working students is they are more familiar with atmosphere of workplace. Imagine a situation when two separate students are seeking for a chance to get a job for themselves, one of them has a background on working even one year at a profitless factory, in contrary the other one does not have a experience, when a company wants to employ a worker from these two students, without no exception the one who has a job experiment has higher chance of being employed. In conclusion, its an arrangement so specialize and sophisticated that these reasons, including being familiar with workplaces and atmosphere and having high skill on their major, simultaneously largely outweigh the advantages of working students. I suggest government to provide good circumstances for working students to work like more reasonable wage and insurance backup.
Imagine a city,
for example
If the term is a proper noun, use initial capitals.
New york
is a pertinent one, where several
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
with disparate personality and various economics position are living together, at the
first
glance everything is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
at a much deeper look it
is shown
that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
economics situation causes a predicament situation for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
, which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
them to work
simultaneously
when are studying their major at school or university. As far as I
am concerned
I
truly
believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
having
a dexterity
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skill
at future and being
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
well educated
are
Consider using a past participle here: "assembled".
assemble
in an intricate and
intriguingly
obliging manner to create a countenance, promulgate advantages of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
while
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
study.

The starting point from what its worth, is an example from Iran research institute which utter that those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
having
a distress about money for their nutritive properties are going to be much more educated
rather
than those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
have not even faced with a dilemma from their longevity of life, well
Did you mean "it's" (="it is") instead of 'its' (possessive pronoun)?
its
tightly
related to their thinking and their goals for their future, it means those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
are not sure about their parents support will try harder and longer than those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
are completely cognizant of their parents lush incomes. Being
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
well educated
means
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
having
a virtuosity when those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
were
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
when they were studying, have a job at their workplace. Skillful workers will intensify economics growth of their country.

One more special thing about
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
is they are more familiar with atmosphere of workplace. Imagine a situation when two separate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
are seeking for a chance to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a job for themselves, one of them has a background on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
even one year at a profitless factory, in contrary the other one does not have
Use "an" instead of 'a' if the following word starts with a vowel sound, e.g. 'an article', 'an hour'
a
experience, when a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
wants to employ a worker from these two
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
, without no exception the one
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
has a job experiment has higher chance of
being employed
.

In conclusion
, its an arrangement
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
specialize and sophisticated that these reasons, including being familiar with workplaces and atmosphere and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
having
high
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skill
on their major,
simultaneously
largely
outweigh the advantages of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
. I suggest
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
to provide
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
circumstances for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
to work like more reasonable wage and insurance backup.
4Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
25Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
6Mistakes

IELTS essay some students work while they are studying, however, other students dont work. which one is your choice? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
371 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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