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In the future, students may have the choice of studying at home by using technology such as computers or television or of studying at traditional schools. Which would you prefer? Use reasons and specific details to explain your choice v.1

In the future, students may have the choice of studying at home by using technology such as computers or television or of studying at traditional schools. Which would you prefer? Use reasons and specific details to explain your choice v. 1
Many physicians, almost in most of the countries, are sequentially warning about the lack of sufficient physical activities. One of the principal reasons for this situation is that people do not have enough energy and time after a long, exhausting day at work. Although, some measures can be taken to address this issue. Currently, especially in developed nations, people have to devote their optimal time and strength doing their job so as to serve their well. In addition, they mainly commute to their home in the evening rush-hour, meaning that the congested traffic itself, wipe them out, whereas this circumstance rarely, if ever, terminates such a sense of relief when they arrived at home, because in most of the time, there are many duties they have to carry out in the terms of their families, their offspring, and even personal stuff. To illustrate more, the onus is on them to collect their child from school or kindergarten, cooking dinner, and so on. Thereby, people hardly have a spare time to go to the gym and potential energy to exercise. One of the efficient steps can be taken to solve this hazard is that the employers must limit the hours of working for the sake of having extra time and energy to arrange the physical recreations. They also can provide the workplace with some sports apparatus, such as treadmill, ping-pong table, and other incentives make an orientation toward these means of activities in the cosy, competitive atmosphere amongst their employees. In conclusion, nowadays people are so busier than taking their sedentary lifestyle into account. In other words, in most of the nations, the subjects which are directly correlative to their healthiness pale into insignificance. Therefore, indubitably the authorities and employees have to alleviate this disaster by some tricks.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
physicians, almost in most of the countries, are
sequentially
warning about the lack of sufficient physical activities. One of the principal reasons for this situation is that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
do not have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
energy and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
after a long, exhausting day at work.
“Although” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Although
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
measures can
be taken
to address this issue.

Currently
,
especially
in developed nations,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
devote their optimal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
and strength doing their job
'So as to' expresses purpose and is used in formal texts. Consider using "to"
so as to
serve their well.
In addition
, they
mainly
commute to their home in the evening rush-hour, meaning that the congested traffic itself, wipe them out, whereas this
The adverb 'rarely' is usually put before the verb 'circumstance'.
circumstance rarely
, if ever, terminates such a sense of relief when they arrived at home,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
in most of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
duties they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
carry out in the terms of their families, their offspring, and even personal stuff. To illustrate more, the onus is on them to collect their child from school or kindergarten, cooking dinner, and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
on. Thereby,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
hardly have a spare
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to go to the gym and potential energy to exercise.

One of the efficient steps can
be taken
to solve this hazard is that the employers
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
limit the hours of working for the sake of having extra
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
and energy to arrange the physical recreations. They
also
can provide the workplace with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
sports apparatus, such as treadmill, ping-pong table, and other incentives
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
an orientation toward these means of activities in the
Possible spelling mistake. 'cosy' is British English.
cosy
, competitive atmosphere amongst their employees.

In conclusion
, nowadays
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
busier than taking their sedentary lifestyle into account.
In other words
, in most of the nations, the subjects which are
directly
correlative to their healthiness pale into insignificance.
Therefore
,
indubitably
the authorities and employees
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
alleviate this disaster by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
tricks.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
A foreign language is like a frail, delicate muscle. If you do not use it, it weakens.
Jhumpa Lahiri

IELTS essay In the future, students may have the choice of studying at home by using technology such as computers or television or of studying at traditional schools. Which would you prefer? Use reasons and specific details to explain your choice v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
297 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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