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Some students work while studying. This often results in lacking time for education and constantly feeling under pressure. What do you think are the causes of this? What solutions can you suggest? v.9

Some students work while studying. This often results in lacking time for education and constantly feeling under pressure. What do you think are the causes of this? What solutions can you suggest? v. 9
People from my parents' generation often believe that you take your studies seriously, you are not going to have any kind of a real job while studying. Still, for modern students it is not true - many of them are trying to achieve academic results while having a full-time working occupation. This sounds ambitious, but sometimes is too stressful and leads to a poor performance at both workplace and university. In this essay I will suggest some possible solutions to enhance this situation. First of all, a common complaint among the working students is that they do not have neither time nor energy for their studies. Indeed, even if you have a spare moment, it is not easy to focus on academic pursuits after a busy and tiring day. To illustrate, when I was studying for my master's degree and working at my first job, I had much less enthusiasm for doing homework for the university than I used to, despite being a curious and interested student. However, the problem is partly solved if a student's job is related to his or her area of study, in which case the experience received at the workplace is valuable for getting a deeper understanding of the university subjects and therefore may positively contribute to the educational process. For example, getting my first job in a law firm actually helped me to excel in my studies at a law faculty. Unfortunately, not every undergraduate has a privilege to work in the sphere directly connected with his academic interests. Sometimes, students have no choice but working at jobs that simply pay better because they have bills to settle. For instance, some common student jobs are waiting tables or working at fast food chains, which can provide you with some life useful life experience but do not offer much in the sense of education. An alternative is to make an effort and reduce the living expenses as much as possible by, for example, using student's living facilities or staying with parents instead of renting a flat. In such case, the necessity to work may be to some extent diminished, freeing time for studying and reading. To conclude, I believe that young people are resourceful enough to study and work at the same time if they really want to. In any case, getting a job in the field of their interests may support their learning aspirations, and cutting some of their expenses is also useful to concentrate on studies rather than making money.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
People
from my parents' generation
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
believe that you take your
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studies
seriously
, you are not going to have any
If 'kind' is a classification term, 'a' is not necessary. Use "kind of". (The phrases 'kind of' and 'sort of' are informal if they mean 'to some extent'.)
kind of a
real
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
while studying.
Still
, for modern
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
it is not true
Consider using an m-dash if you do not want to join two words.
-
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
of them are trying to achieve academic results while having a full-time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
occupation. This sounds ambitious,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
is too stressful and leads to a poor performance at both workplace and university. In this essay I will suggest
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
possible solutions to enhance this situation.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, a common complaint among the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
is that they do
Double negatives are discouraged in standard English. Can you reformulate this phrase or is a comma missing?
not have neither
time nor energy for their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studies
.
Indeed
, even if you have a spare moment, it is not easy to focus on academic pursuits after a busy and tiring day. To illustrate, when I was studying for my master's degree and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
at my
first
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
, I had much less enthusiasm for doing homework for the university than I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to, despite being a curious and interested
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
.
However
, the problem is partly solved if a student's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
is related
to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
his or her
area of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
, in which case the experience received at the workplace is valuable for getting a deeper understanding of the university subjects and
therefore
may
positively
contribute to the educational process.
For example
, getting my
first
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
in a law firm actually
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helped
me to excel in my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studies
at a law faculty.

Unfortunately, not every undergraduate has a privilege to work in the sphere
directly
connected with his academic interests.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Sometimes
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
have no choice
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
that
simply
pay better
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they have bills to settle.
For instance
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
common
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
are waiting tables or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
at
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
food chains, which can provide you with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
life useful life experience
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
do not offer much in the sense of education. An alternative is to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
an effort and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the living expenses as much as possible by,
for example
, using student's living facilities or staying with parents
instead
of renting a flat. In such case, the necessity to work may be to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
extent diminished, freeing time for studying and reading.

To conclude
, I believe that young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are resourceful
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
and work at the same time if they
really
want to. In any case, getting a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
The usual preposition for "getting a job" is "with" for an organization. Revise: "with the field".
in the field
of their interests may support their learning aspirations, and cutting
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
of their expenses is
also
useful to concentrate on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studies
rather
than making money.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes

IELTS essay Some students work while studying. This often results in lacking time for education and constantly feeling under pressure. What do you think are the causes of this? What solutions can you suggest? v. 9

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
417 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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