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Our personalities are predetermined as a result of our genes before we are born and there is nothing that can be done to change our character traits. To what extent do you agree? v.9

Our personalities are predetermined as a result of our genes before we are born and there is nothing that can be done to change our character traits. v. 9
I don’t think that our personality is predetermined by the genes. Rather, I believe the quality of a human depends on the environment, he lives/ the way he/she has been brought up. In this essay I would like to share some points to clarify my view on this topic. To begin with, the character is everything. A characterless one with tons of cash can’t construct anything: neither a home nor a business. How a person behaves, his or her way of speaking, politeness, social commitments and the like describe a personality. Its not the genes which form a character, it’s the circumstances which create a great/ worst person. I admit that some things are carried by the genes to the successor which includes the physical appearances and some hereditary diseases not the personality. Character as well as other mental states is formed within a person, inspired by the surroundings. Secondly, the family has an important role in the nature formation. Children are like sponges which absorbs everything around them, including the behaviours of elders. Like Son imitates the way his dad used to walk and dress. These are attracting and influencing them, which later becomes the part of their style. Thus, being raised by steady parents or relatives makes adolescents grow into responsible and compassionate young adults, whereas being involved in aggressive and traumatic interactions with elder members of their family, kids may develop such traits as selfishness, opportunism, etc. Moreover, quality is doing the right thing even when nobody is looking. To conclude, it appears utterly insensible to claim that the genes are responsible for one’s identity. In my opinion, the character of an individual can be modified with proper guidance.
I don’t
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that our personality
is predetermined
by the genes.
Rather
, I believe the quality of a human depends on the environment, he
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
/ the way he/she has
been brought
up. In this essay I would like to share
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
points to clarify my view on this topic.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
character
is everything. A characterless one with tons of cash can’t construct anything: neither a home nor a business. How a person behaves,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
his or her
way of speaking, politeness, social commitments and the like
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
describe
a personality.
Did you mean "it's" (="it is") instead of 'its' (possessive pronoun)?
Its
not the genes which form a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
character
, it’s the circumstances which create a great/
A determiner is probably missing here: "the worst".
worst
person. I admit that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
things
are carried
by the genes to the successor which includes the physical appearances and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
hereditary diseases not the personality.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Character
as well
as other mental states
is formed
within a person, inspired by the surroundings.

Secondly
, the family has an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
role in the nature formation. Children are like sponges which absorbs everything around them, including the
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviours' is British English.
behaviours
of elders. Like Son imitates the way his dad
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to walk and dress. These are attracting and influencing them, which later becomes the part of their style.
Thus
,
being raised
by steady parents or relatives
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
adolescents grow into responsible and compassionate young adults, whereas
being involved
in aggressive and traumatic interactions with elder members of their family, kids may develop such traits as selfishness, opportunism, etc.
Moreover
, quality is doing the right thing even when nobody is looking.

To conclude
, it appears
utterly
insensible to claim that the genes are responsible for one’s identity. In my opinion, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
character
of an individual can
be modified
with proper guidance.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes
Learning another language is not only learning different words for the same things, but learning another way to think about things.
Flora Lewis

IELTS essay Our personalities are predetermined as a result of our genes before we are born and there is nothing that can be done to change our character traits. v. 9

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
282 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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