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Some students tend to play computer games rather than do sports. Why is this? What can be done to tackle the problem? v.2

Some students tend to play computer games rather than do sports. Why is this? What can be done to tackle the problem? v. 2
Sports is becoming less popular in comparison to video games among certain students. This essay will first, discuss that the main cause for this is that they are not educated in schools about the problems from paying video games and further, it will outline that this issue can be solved by including physical activity subject in the school curriculum. The main cause of children spending most of their time playing online games is that they are not given adequate knowledge and understanding about the cons of playing online games. This is to say, children are not educated by school teachers about the health related problems suffered, such as weak eyesight and poor mental and physical development due to playing computer games. As a result, they are more inclined in playing video games. To elucidate, a recent study by The Times showed that more than 60 percent of children play computer games because of lack of erudition. The principle solution to the above mentioned problem is the introduction of physical education classes in schools. In other words, schools should not only make it mandatory for students to participate in sports and athletic activities, but should also inform them about the benefits of doing physical activities. As a consequence, children will play more games outside instead of spending their entire day playing video games. To exemplify, a recent study conducted by The New York Times showed that more than 80 percent of schools have commenced sports classes, thus children have become physically active and healthy. To conclude, some student plays more of video games instead of doing physical sports and the main cause for this they are not educated in schools by their teacher. This issue can be tackled by introducing sports subjects and educating children.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Sports
is becoming less popular
in comparison
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
among certain students. This essay will
first
, discuss that the main cause for this is that they are not educated in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
about the problems from paying
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
and
further
, it will outline that this issue can
be solved
by including
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
activity subject in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
curriculum.

The main cause of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
spending most of their time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
online
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
is that they are not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
adequate knowledge and understanding about the cons of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
online
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
. This is to say,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are not educated by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
teachers about the health related problems suffered, such as weak eyesight and poor mental and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
development due to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
.
As a result
, they are more inclined in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
. To elucidate, a recent study by The Times
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
showed
that more than 60 percent of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
play computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of lack of erudition.

The principle solution to the above mentioned problem is the introduction of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
education classes in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
.
In other words
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
should not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
it mandatory for students to participate in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
and athletic activities,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
should
also
inform them about the benefits of doing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
activities. As a consequence,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
will play more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
outside
instead
of spending their entire day
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
. To exemplify, a recent study conducted by The New York Times
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
showed
that more than 80 percent of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
have commenced
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
classes,
thus
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
have become
physically
active and healthy.

To conclude
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
student plays more of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
instead
of doing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
and the main cause for this they are not educated in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
by their teacher. This issue can
be tackled
by introducing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
subjects and educating
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes
Speak a new language so that the world will be a new world.
Rumi

IELTS essay Some students tend to play computer games rather than do sports. Why is this? What can be done to tackle the problem? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
294 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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