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Some students tend to play computer games rather than do sports. Why is this? What can be done to tackle this problem? v.1

Some students tend to play computer games rather than do sports. Why is this? What can be done to tackle this problem? v. 1
It’s been observed that a group of students prefer playing online games over sports. The primary cause of the phenomenon is that the younger generation are often fascinated by the amount of visual effects in these games and the most viable solution is to educate the young people about the consequences of playing for long hours. The most obvious cause why students opt for playing games in online is that they are visually attracted by the graphics and the effects involved. That is to say that the games are designed in such a way that it enables the player to visualize of being a soldier or gangster which would be impossible for them to feel when playing a real sport. Moreover they have plethora of games available online which grabs their attention more. For instance, a recent online game called PUBG where players are grouped in teams and they are armed with powerful guns and bombs so that they could fight against the other teams in order to conquer a quest. A recent statistics reveals that the children find this game more engaging because it helps them to feel the ambience of being in a war field and makes them addicted to play for long hours. A plausible solution to this predicament is to launch an awareness campaign to educate children about the dangers of playing virtual games. The campaign should highlight on how youngsters are leading a sedentary lifestyle of having minimal or no physical activities, which in turns affects their metabolism and also playing these games over a period time would affect them mentally as these games involves killing and other brutal activities. The government should encourage parents and kids by conducting many sports competition and offers best reward so that they feel encouraged and motivated to play a physical sport. For instance, a similar initiative in Japan, where teenagers are more addicted playing online games had resulted in 56% of students indulge themselves playing sports such as Hockey and Tennis. To conclude, the increase in number of young people to play virtual games is because of the visual impact they undergo when playing, however this issue can be addressed by launching a public campaign and educating children about the negative impacts of playing it.
It’s
been observed
that a group of students
Possible agreement error. Did you mean "prefers"? (Some collective nouns can be treated as both singular and plural, so 'prefer' is not always incorrect.)
prefer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
over
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
. The primary cause of the phenomenon is that the younger generation are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
fascinated by the amount of visual effects in these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
and the most viable solution is to educate the young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
about the consequences of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
for long hours.

The most obvious cause why students opt for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
is that they are
visually
attracted by the graphics and the effects involved.
That is
to say that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
are designed
in such a way that it enables the player to visualize of being a soldier or gangster which would be impossible for them to feel when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
a real
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Moreover
they have plethora of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
available
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
which grabs their attention more.
For instance
, a recent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
game called PUBG where players
are grouped
in
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
teams and
they
are armed
with powerful guns and bombs
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that they could fight against the other teams in order to conquer a quest. A recent statistics reveals that the children find this game more engaging
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
them to feel the ambience of being in a war field and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
them addicted to play for long hours.

A plausible solution to this predicament is to launch an awareness campaign to educate children about the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
dangers
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
virtual
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
. The campaign should highlight on how youngsters are leading a sedentary lifestyle of having minimal or no physical activities, which in turns affects their metabolism and
also
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
over a period time would affect them mentally as these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
involves killing and other brutal activities. The
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should encourage parents and kids by conducting
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
competition and
A determiner is probably missing here: "offers the best".
offers best
reward
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that they feel encouraged and motivated to play a physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
.
For instance
, a similar initiative in Japan, where
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
are more addicted
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
had resulted in 56% of students indulge themselves
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
such as Hockey and Tennis.

To conclude
, the increase in number of young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
to play virtual
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the visual impact they undergo when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
,
however
this issue can
be addressed
by launching a public campaign and educating children about the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
impacts of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
it.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
30Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes
Speak a new language so that the world will be a new world.
Rumi

IELTS essay Some students tend to play computer games rather than do sports. Why is this? What can be done to tackle this problem? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
377 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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