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Some students prefer to go to universities or colleges in their own cities or towns. Others prefer universities or colleges in new faraway places. Which do you prefer and why? v.1

Some students prefer to go to universities or colleges in their own cities or towns. Others prefer universities or colleges in new faraway places. Which do you prefer and why? v. 1
There is no doubt these days that the proportion of smokers is increasing significantly. Although there are health warnings. The question is, why should we worry about this habit? In this essay I am going to discuss my opinion and draw my own conclusion. In terms of disadvantages, people are concerned about their health because of smoking in public places which is a bad habit. The main reason given to support this claim is that people do not expect to visit a nice public place with smokers all around. In other words, smoking damaged people's health even though not all of them are smoking, but they are in the same place. To illustrate, being in a good condition the most prominent part of our lives, not all of the people, are taking care of it, but you have no to be close to anyone while you are neither indoors or outdoors. Hence, smokers should have their own smoke area. Moreover, on the same page, there are a lot of organizations all over the world which are trying to do their best to stop pollution, which is trouble number one in every single country. First of all, people who are smoking not only damaged everyone’s lungs, but also they are destroying the air pollution of the planet we live in. Secondly, cigarettes are dangerous, especially to children. In other words, as an example, if the kid’s parents are smokers, the kid could take it as a normal habit which makes parents a bad role model for them. In conclusion, in spite of there are a lot of smoking areas worldwide, which is a great movement. Governments must ensure steps to prevent this phenomenon from deteriorating the future.
There is no doubt these days that the proportion of smokers is increasing
significantly
. Although there are health warnings.

The question is, why should we worry about this habit? In this essay I am going to discuss my opinion and draw my
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
conclusion.

In terms of disadvantages,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are concerned
about their health
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smoking
in public places which is a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
habit. The main reason
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
to support this claim is that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
do not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
expect
to visit a nice public place with smokers all around.
In other words
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smoking
damaged
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's health
even though
not all of them are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smoking
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
they are in the same place. To illustrate, being in a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
condition the most prominent part of our
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
, not
Consider using "all the".
all of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, are taking care of it,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
you have
Did you mean "now" (=at this moment) instead of 'no' (negation)?
no
to be close to anyone while you are neither indoors
Use "nor" with neither.
or
outdoors.
Hence
, smokers should have their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
smoke area.

Moreover
, on the same page, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
organizations all over the world which are trying to do their best to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stop
pollution, which is trouble number one in every single country.
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smoking
not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
damaged everyone’s lungs,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
they are destroying the air pollution of the planet we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in.
Secondly
, cigarettes are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
,
especially
to children.
In other words
, as an example, if the kid’s parents are smokers, the kid could take it as a normal habit which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
Possible agreement error. You should probably use: "parent".
parents
a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
role model for them.

In conclusion
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
in spite of
there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smoking
areas worldwide, which is a great movement.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Governments
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
ensure steps to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
this phenomenon from deteriorating the future.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
As a hawk flieth not high with one wing, even so a man reacheth not to excellence with one tongue.
Roger Ascham

IELTS essay Some students prefer to go to universities or colleges in their own cities or towns. Others prefer universities or colleges in new faraway places. Which do you prefer and why? v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
286 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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