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Some students prefer to choose a university in their home region to study at, while others prefer to study away from home or abroad. Which do you prefer and why? v.1

Some students prefer to choose a university in their home region to study at, while others prefer to study away from home or abroad. Which do you prefer and why? v. 1
Both scientists and technology professionals are admired more than entertainers and painters by state-of-the-art world. I totally disagree with this statement and the reasons will be explained in this essay. A person who knows about art, will strongly state that whether an artist or a musician, both plays an important role in the world of sorrow and darkness. As living in a buzz world, we clearly need someone that can help them simplify their lives rather than just a machine that can play music. It is true to say that both artists and scientists when create an invention or a painting which is incredible and tremendous, they will probably be respected and worshiped which stands for the test of time. For instance, Da Vinci, Othello or Various artists have also depicted the evil side of the society like child labour, AIDS, Women Crimes through their art. In another way, those people had helped color this earth. On the other hand, scientists are constantly working to make our lives simpler. The scientific revolution is considered an epic. Through new discoveries, they aid the society in overcoming the obstacles and challenges. Scientists come up with ideas to improve our quality of life. Through them we are able to achieve longevity, excellent innovations and discover the wonders of nature. Adding to this, scientists also do research and experiments to withdraw all the possible threats to the society. Meanwhile, almost all the equipment that we use In our day to day life have a series of efforts behind them. Finally, an artist acts as a source of inspiration and information, whereas a scientist works as a source of innovations and inventions. We could not deny the efforts of both scientists and artists, Which considered people to respect and admire them equally.
Both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
scientists
and technology professionals
are admired
more than entertainers and painters by state-of-the-art world. I
totally
disagree with this statement and the reasons will be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explained
in this essay.

A person who knows about art, will
strongly
state that whether an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
artist
or a musician, both plays an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
role in the world of sorrow and darkness. As living in a buzz world, we
clearly
need someone that can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them simplify their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
rather
than
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
a machine that can play music. It is true to say that both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
artists
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
scientists
when create an invention or a painting which is incredible and tremendous, they will
probably
be respected
and worshiped which stands for the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
test
of time.
For instance
,
Possible spelling mistake found.
Da
Vinci, Othello or Various
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
artists
have
also
depicted the evil side of the society like child
Possible spelling mistake. 'labour' is British English.
labour
, AIDS, Women Crimes through their art. In another way, those
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
had
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helped
color this earth.

On the other hand
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
scientists
are
constantly
working to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
our
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
simpler. The scientific revolution
is considered
an epic. Through new discoveries, they aid the society in overcoming the obstacles and challenges.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Scientists
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
up with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
our quality of life. Through them we are able to achieve longevity, excellent innovations and discover the wonders of nature. Adding to this,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
scientists
also
do research and experiments to withdraw all the possible threats to the society. Meanwhile, almost all the equipment that we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
In our
It appears that two hyphens are missing.
day to day
life have a series of efforts behind them.

Finally
, an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
artist
acts as a source of inspiration and information, whereas a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
scientist
works as a source of innovations and inventions. We could not deny the efforts of both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
scientists
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
artists
, Which considered
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
to respect and admire them
equally
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Some students prefer to choose a university in their home region to study at, while others prefer to study away from home or abroad. Which do you prefer and why? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
297 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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