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Some sports professionals receive a great deal. Some people think that it is unfair to someone from other important professions. Discuss both views? v.1

Some sports professionals receive a great deal. Some people think that it is unfair to someone from other important professions. v. 1
It is true that sports players are paid much more than people from other vital fields. While some think that it is unreasonable, I agree with those who argue that these athletes deserve such high revenue. On the one hand, there is a strong variety of resources to believe that it is unjustified to offer sportspeople high income. Perhaps, the major argument would that sports only serve recreational purposes, whereas people working in medical and educational fields make a greater contribution to society. This can be illustrated by teachers, who deliver valuable lessons that facilitate the development of academically and morally successful individuals. Likewise, doctors and numbers of people working related to the health care profession, after a harsh period of accumulating knowledge, devote their career to saving lives and detecting remedies for dangerous diseases. Without these occupations, the community would fail to thrive, which means that its citizens have to suffer an inferior standard of life. On the other hand, I support the view that these athletes are entitled to receive high income. To begin with, the pursuit of sports field not only requires nonstop efforts and persistence but also complies with constant hard training. In addition, these athletes with shorter careers and living without their family, frequently tolerate and face the risk of injuries that threaten their enterprise. Furthermore, due to the fact that they are illustrious sports players, their victory in international competitions brings pride and honor to their country. Besides, they have to bear a furious mood of the community, if they create or be implicated in any little tiny scandals as well as fail to compete with other rivals. To summarize, owing to the resources mentions above, although relying upon the view of some people that it is undeserved, if the athletes get a great income than some from other crucial occupation, it seems to me that I am in favor of those who debate that how much money these sportspeople receive, is worth to them.
It is true that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
players
are paid
much more than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
vital fields. While
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that it is unreasonable, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with those who argue that these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
athletes
deserve such high revenue.

On the one hand, there is a strong variety of resources to believe that it
is unjustified
to offer sportspeople high income. Perhaps, the major argument would that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
serve recreational purposes, whereas
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
working in medical and educational fields
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a greater contribution to society. This can
be illustrated
by teachers, who deliver valuable lessons that facilitate the development of
academically
and
morally
successful individuals.
Likewise
, doctors and numbers of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
working related to the health care profession, after a harsh period of accumulating knowledge, devote their career to saving
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
and detecting remedies for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
diseases. Without these occupations, the community would fail to thrive, which means that its citizens
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
suffer an inferior standard of life.

On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand, I support the view that these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
athletes
are entitled
to receive high income. To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, the pursuit of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
field not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
requires nonstop efforts and persistence
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
complies with constant
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
training.
In addition
, these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
athletes
with shorter careers and living without their family,
frequently
tolerate and face the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
of injuries that threaten their enterprise.
Furthermore
, due to the fact that they are illustrious
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
players, their victory in international competitions brings pride and honor to their country.
Besides
, they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
bear a furious mood of the community, if they create or
be implicated
in any
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
tiny scandals
as well
as fail to compete with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
rivals.

To summarize
, owing to the resources mentions above, although relying upon the view of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
that it
is undeserved
, if the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
athletes
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a great income than
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
crucial occupation, it seems to me that I am in favor of those who debate that how much money these sportspeople receive, is worth to them.
10Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
16Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
0Mistakes

IELTS essay Some sports professionals receive a great deal. Some people think that it is unfair to someone from other important professions. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
331 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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