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Some sports are extremely dangerous but many people still like them very much. Why do people take part in dangerous sports? Give some suggestions on how to deal with these dangers v.1

Some sports are extremely dangerous but many people still like them very much. Why do people take part in dangerous sports? Give some suggestions on how to deal with these dangers v. 1
In recent years we have seen a considerable rise in dangerous or extreme sports. This essay shall discuss some of the main reasons why people engage in such sports and suggest ways in which some risks involved in such sports can be reduced. The main reason why people go for dangerous sports is that they get the thrill out of them. They like taking risks. They like to challenge their abilities and potentials. They feel a sense of satisfaction when they come face to face with fears while bungee jumping, rock climbing and so on. In addition, going through a dangerous experience gives them courage and confidence to face the hurdles of their daily life. Another reason for pursuing such sports is that there is a lot of fame and money involved in them. They get attention by doing stunts on motorcycles and jumping from tall buildings. They make headlines in newspapers and TV News Channels. They feel great when their name comes in the Guinness Book of World Records. Once they get famous they get a lot of money also. For instance, many businesses hire them to endorse their products. They also get jobs on the basis of such skills. Many steps can be taken to reduce the risks are that involved. Firstly, these sports should be done under strict supervision. All safety precautions should be taken. Such sports should be performed after sufficient training and under supervision of adults. Sport companies which cater to such sports should require a licence for providing such training. Some people suggest banning some sports. However, I do not believe that banning is a good solution. We all know that forbidden fruits taste sweeter and people will do such sports in hiding which would increase the risks involved. To put it in a nutshell, I pen down saying that, people do such sports for fun, for money and for fame. However, such sports should be performed after sufficient training from licensed companies and under some supervision
In recent years we have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
a considerable rise in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
or extreme
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
. This essay shall discuss
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
some of the
main reasons why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
engage in such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
and suggest ways in which
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
risks
involved in such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduced
.

The main reason why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
go for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
is that they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
the thrill out of them. They like taking
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
risks
. They like to challenge their abilities and potentials.
Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
They
feel a sense of satisfaction when they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
face to face with fears while bungee jumping, rock climbing and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
on.
In addition
, going through a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
experience gives them courage and confidence to face the hurdles of their daily life.

Another reason for pursuing such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
is that there is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
fame and money involved in them. They
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
attention by doing stunts on motorcycles and jumping from tall buildings. They
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
headlines in newspapers and TV News Channels.
Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
They
feel great when their name
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
in the Guinness Book of World Records.
“Once” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Once
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
money
also
.
For instance
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
businesses hire them to endorse their products. They
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
jobs on the basis of such
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
.

This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
steps can
be taken
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
risks
are that involved.
Firstly
, these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
should
be done
under strict supervision. All safety precautions should
be taken
. Such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
should
be performed
after sufficient training and under supervision of adults.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Sport
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
which cater to such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
should require a
Possible spelling mistake. 'licence' is British English.
licence
for providing such training.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
suggest banning
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
.
However
, I do not believe that banning is a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
solution. We all know that forbidden fruits taste sweeter and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
will do such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
in hiding which would increase the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
risks
involved.

To put it in a nutshell, I pen down saying that,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
do such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
for fun, for money and for fame.
However
, such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
should
be performed
after sufficient training from licensed
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
and under
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
supervision
6Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
22Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes
As a hawk flieth not high with one wing, even so a man reacheth not to excellence with one tongue.
Roger Ascham

IELTS essay Some sports are extremely dangerous but many people still like them very much. Why do people take part in dangerous sports? Give some suggestions on how to deal with these dangers v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
332 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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