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Some sports are extremely dangerous but many people still like them very much. Why do people take part in dangerous sports? Give some suggestions on how to deal with these dangers. v.2

Some sports are extremely dangerous but many people still like them very much. Why do people take part in dangerous sports? Give some suggestions on how to deal with these dangers. v. 2
With the advancement in technology, rise in usage of consumer goods like cars, washing machines, refrigerator is noticed. People, now, cannot imagine their lives without such things and make this one of the necessary parts for day to day routines. While this issue has several distinct advantages, there are also a few pitfalls associated with it. Both the aspects are discussed hereunder in brief, before giving an opinion. To begin with, one of the major advantages of consumption good usage is improvement in quality of life. For example, cars have reduced commute time for folks and protect them from unpredictable weather change. Ultimately, life becomes easier this way. If one has his own car, he can travel, according to his convenience and also use in case of heavy rain without getting stuck in bad weather. Beacuse of this, it has become integral part of human life. Another benefit is, time utilization; washing machines now can wash and dry clothes within few minutes without keeping hands busy. Though consumer goods have many benefits, drawbacks cannot be ignored. First of all, dependency on products has created sedentary lifestyle. Today standing or automatic moping devices are being used to clean house while in the past people used to bend down on knees to clean floors. This helped them to maintain their physical heath along with work. secondly is regarding the health. For instance, the overuse of mobile phones can lead to neural disorders, as it emits radio waves that can interfere with the neural mechanism of the body. In conclusion, consumer goods seem to be an integral part of a person’s everyday life and considering numerous positive aspects like improved quality of live and time utilization overcome disadvantages such as health issues and sedentary lifestyle. With proper guidance and awareness in this case would help to mitigate the detrimental effects and enhance the potential advantages.
With the advancement in technology, rise in usage of consumer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
goods
like cars, washing machines, refrigerator
is noticed
.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
People
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
, cannot imagine their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
without such things and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
this one of the necessary parts for day to day routines. While this issue has several distinct advantages, there are
also
a few pitfalls associated with it. Both the aspects
are discussed
hereunder
in brief
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
giving an opinion.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, one of the major advantages of consumption
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
usage is improvement in quality of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
.
For example
, cars have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduced
commute time for folks and protect them from unpredictable weather
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
.
Ultimately
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
becomes easier this way. If one has his
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
car, he can travel, according to his convenience and
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
in case of heavy rain without getting stuck in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
weather.
Possible spelling mistake found.
Beacuse
of this, it has become integral part of human
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
. Another benefit is, time utilization; washing machines
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
can wash and dry clothes within few minutes without keeping hands busy.

Though consumer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
goods
have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
benefits, drawbacks cannot be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ignored
.
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, dependency on products has created sedentary lifestyle.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Today
standing or automatic moping devices are being
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to clean
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
while in the past
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to bend down on knees to clean floors. This
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helped
them to maintain their physical heath along with work.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
secondly
is regarding the health.
For instance
, the overuse of mobile phones can lead to neural disorders, as it emits radio waves that can interfere with the neural mechanism of the body.

In conclusion
, consumer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
goods
seem to be an integral part of a person’s everyday
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
and considering numerous
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
aspects like
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improved
quality of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
and time utilization overcome disadvantages such as health issues and sedentary lifestyle. With proper guidance and awareness
in this case
would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
to mitigate the detrimental effects and enhance the potential advantages.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
Language is not a genetic gift, it is a social gift. Learning a new language is becoming a member of the club – the community of speakers of that language.
Frank Smith

IELTS essay Some sports are extremely dangerous but many people still like them very much. Why do people take part in dangerous sports? Give some suggestions on how to deal with these dangers. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
312 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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