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Some people say that in order to be happy, you must have a job you love doing. Others say that other factors are more important? Do you think that people can only be happy if they have a job they really enjoy? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge and experience. v.1

Some people say that in order to be happy, you must have a job you love doing. Others say that other factors are more important? Do you think that people can only be happy if they have a job they really enjoy? v. 1
Some people believe as a human being, having a satisfactory job can bring a happiness to them in life because they can earn money from it. However, other factors are essential that play a role either. I think, people cannot only feel delighted just because having an enjoyable careers. In spite of this, mental health and living in a good condition are such a bless that could make people satisfy in their life. Very few people want to live to work because it is the only thing that they can earn a money from. In addition, people determine to work hard and extra shifted in order to get an extra incomes. This profits could provide them to purchase an expensive meterials and stuffs such as houses, cars and food supplies. Consequently, people could satisfy to live a life because they can afford to have a things what they wish for. On the other hand, mental health and healthy condition are vital in human's lives. These factors are the medicine that money could not buy people's happiness. People wish to have a healthy life without too much pressure and any serious diseases to live longer. For instance, if we live with cancer so how can surrounding people feel happy. This is the reason that people feel bless of having a good health. In addition, living in a good condition that has stunning and natural landscapes also make people feel peaceful. There is no air pollution that can affect to health problem. Consequently, having a healthy land to plant a fruits and vegetables that are natural resources and adapt life to live peacefully. These are the mainly factors that peole survive to achieve the real peace of mind and enjoy well-being. To sum up, having a fantastic job in hand is not the only happy pill that many people wish for, but they could earn money in order to purchase their satisfactory products so that they feel happy with it. Otherwise, living in a good environment and have a healthy life are very important in human being. Therfore, people feel cheerful, optimistic and blessful because they could afford both money and other essential factors in life.
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Some
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people
believe as a human being,
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having
a satisfactory job can bring a happiness to them in
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life
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because
they can earn
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money
from it.
However
, other
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factors
are essential that play a role either. I
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think
,
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people
cannot
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only
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feel
delighted
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just
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because
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having
an enjoyable
Don't use indefinite articles with plural words. Did you mean "career"?
careers
.
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In spite of
this, mental
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health
and living in a
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good
condition are such
After 'a', do not use a verb. Make sure that the spelling of 'bless' is correct. If 'bless' is the first word in a compound adjective, use a hyphen between the two words. Note: This error message can occur if you use a verb as a noun, and the word is not a noun in standard English.
a bless
that could
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make
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people
satisfy in their life.

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few
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people
want to
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live
to work
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because
it is the
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only
thing that they can earn a
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money
from.
In addition
,
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people
determine to work
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hard
and extra shifted in order to
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get
an extra
Don't use indefinite articles with plural words. Did you mean "income"?
incomes
.
Did you mean "these"?
This
profits could provide them to
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purchase
an expensive
Possible spelling mistake found.
meterials
and stuffs such as
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
houses
, cars and food supplies.
Consequently
,
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people
could satisfy to
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live
a
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life
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because
they can afford to have
Don't use indefinite articles with plural words. Did you mean "a thing" or simply "things"?
a things
what they wish for.

On the other hand
, mental
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health
and
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healthy
condition are vital in human's
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lives
. These
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factors
are the medicine that
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money
could not
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buy
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people
's happiness.
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People
wish to have a
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healthy
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life
without too much pressure and any serious diseases to
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live
longer.
For instance
, if we
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live
with cancer
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so
how can surrounding
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people
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feel
happy. This is the reason that
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people
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feel
bless of
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having
a
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good
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health
.
In addition
, living in a
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good
condition that has stunning and natural landscapes
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
feel
peaceful. There is no air pollution that can affect to
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health
problem.
Consequently
,
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having
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
healthy
land to plant a fruits and vegetables that are natural resources and adapt
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
to
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live
peacefully
. These are the
mainly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
factors
that
Possible spelling mistake found.
peole
survive to achieve the real peace of mind and enjoy well-being.

To sum up,
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having
a fantastic job in hand is not the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
happy pill that
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many
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people
wish for,
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but
they could earn
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money
in order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchase
their satisfactory products
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that they
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feel
happy with it.
Otherwise
, living in a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
environment and have a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
healthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
are
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very
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important
in human being.
Possible spelling mistake found.
Therfore
,
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people
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feel
cheerful, optimistic and
Possible spelling mistake found.
blessful
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because
they could afford both
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money
and other essential
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factors
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
.
10Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
56Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
11Mistakes
Learning another language is not only learning different words for the same things, but learning another way to think about things.
Flora Lewis

IELTS essay Some people say that in order to be happy, you must have a job you love doing. Others say that other factors are more important? Do you think that people can only be happy if they have a job they really enjoy? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
364 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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