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Some schools are opting to save money by eliminating art classes. To what extent do you agree or disagree v.2

Some schools are opting to save money by eliminating art classes. v. 2
Schools play a crucial role in shaping the future of a child. The world has become more competitive, and hence the preference is being given to the academic education right from the beginning even in schools. Parents are willing to send their children to the most expensive schools, however they rarely show interest in spending on extra curricular activities like arts, sports and music as they think of it as a waste of time. This has resulted in schools, to consider arts as a waste of money which I totally disagree with. In regards to the above statement, there are some schools which mainly function to benefit students with good grades and help them with admissions into a good university. These schools, with high infrastructure and exclusive study environments, undoubtedly offer a great foundation to the students to achieve their goals in the future. On the contrary, there are some schools which believe that arts and sports equally contribute to the personal development of the children at their young age. Most of the schools have realised that continuous classroom study makes students extremely stressful, which eventually decreases the performance and productivity of the pupils in a class. Moreover, it is essential to provide school children the opportunity to try different arts to know their strengths and weakness which is why many schools have changed their curriculum to give equal importance for both studies and arts. Furthermore, a recent study states that kids who are interested in art exhibit smarter skills in their academics as well, when they grow up in the future unlike kids who are just limited to books in their young age. The concept of professional education has also changed in recent times because of the exposure to the creative fields and the success some people have achieved in these areas. For example, previous professions like Engineering and medicine are known to be highly successful which can offer reputed jobs and help you earn money for the living. But today, there are enough opportunities for people who are interested in arts like music, dance, acting and painting to achieve equal name and fame just like the conventional professions which is why these arts are also being encouraged at schools to provide the right direction. Henceforth, the significance of arts in schools has increased over the years changing the idea of eliminating art classes to save money. To conclude, the main interest of schools is to guide students to show the right direction to make their dreams come true, be it becoming an Engineer or becoming an Artist. Schools consider that it is their responsibility to encourage the student in talking up arts based on their interest, which is why I disagree that schools are trying to save money by not offering art classes anymore.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Schools
play a crucial role in shaping the future of a child. The world has become more competitive, and
hence
the preference is being
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
to the academic education right from the beginning even in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
. Parents are willing to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
send
their children to the most expensive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
,
however
they rarely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
interest in spending on
This word is normally spelled as one.
extra curricular
activities like
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
, sports and music as they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
of it as a waste of time. This has resulted in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
, to consider
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
as a waste of money which I
totally
disagree with.

Use "in regard to", "with regard to", or more simply "regarding".
In regards to
the above statement, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
which
mainly
function to benefit
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
grades and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them with admissions into a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
university. These
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
, with high infrastructure and exclusive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
environments,
undoubtedly
offer a great foundation to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
to achieve their goals in the future.
On the contrary
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
which believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
and sports
equally
contribute to the personal development of the children at their young age. Most of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
have
Possible spelling mistake. 'realised' is British English.
realised
that continuous classroom
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
extremely
stressful, which
eventually
decreases the performance and productivity of the pupils in a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
.
Moreover
, it is essential to provide
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
children the opportunity to try
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
to know their strengths and weakness which is why
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
their curriculum to give equal importance for both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studies
and arts.

Furthermore
, a recent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
states that kids who
are interested
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
exhibit smarter
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
in their academics
as well
, when they grow up in the future unlike kids who are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
limited to books in their young age. The concept of professional education has
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
in recent times
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the exposure to the creative fields and the success
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
have achieved in these areas.
For example
, previous professions like Engineering and medicine
are known
to be
highly
successful which can offer reputed jobs and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
you earn money for the living.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
opportunities for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who
are interested
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
like music, dance, acting and painting to achieve equal name and fame
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
like the conventional professions which is why these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
are
also
being encouraged
at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
to provide the right direction. Henceforth, the significance of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
has increased over the years changing the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
of eliminating
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
classes to save money.

To conclude
, the main interest of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
is to guide
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
the right direction to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
their dreams
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
true, be it becoming an Engineer or becoming an Artist.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Schools
consider that it is their responsibility to encourage the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
in talking up
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
based on their interest, which is why I disagree that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
are trying to save money by not offering
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
classes anymore.
14Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
35Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes

IELTS essay Some schools are opting to save money by eliminating art classes. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
466 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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