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Some schools agree that fast-food restaurants and supermarkets can promote their products in school and that schools benefit from it. v.1

Some schools agree that fast-food restaurants and supermarkets can promote their products in school and that schools benefit from it. v. 1
Some schools are of the opinion that they can profit from fast food outlets and supermarkets just offering their products in schools. In my opinion, this statement has both positive and negative consequences and I tend to believe that it can affect both negatively and positively for several reasons. When fast-food courts and markets offer their food in schools, schools can benefit from them gaining some amount of money investing in school development and creating facilities for schools such as building a gym, new rooms for learning, buying computers, gadgets, refreshing library, gaining new books and hiring qualified teachers for pupils. Indeed teachers naturally will teach them with contemporary and advanced methods in that case. This investment presumably will promote children’s progress during studying in school and apparently they will have a much more competitive advantage than other pupils.   Furthermore, supermarkets providing their foods in schools can advertise their goods, attract new customers and create new workplaces for people. Nowadays the majority of fast-food courts and supermarkets offer unhealthy packed and junk food which is an ever-increasing problem and extremely harmful for people. Fast food outlets and supermarkets distributing those kinds of products to schools will presumably affect pupil’s health generating diseases which will influence their health in the future. Hence, the government should define the list of goods which must be distributed to schools and do not contain harmful organisms in foods. In conclusion, the health of children is the most important aspect and far-reaching problem, therefore the decision which one is important, the health of children or investment for children, must be comprehensively discussed.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
are of the opinion that they can profit from
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
outlets and supermarkets
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
offering their products in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
. In my opinion, this statement has both
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
consequences and I tend to believe that it can affect both
negatively
and
positively
for several reasons.

When
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
-food courts and markets offer their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
can benefit from them gaining
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
amount of money investing in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
development and creating facilities for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
such as building a gym,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
rooms for learning, buying computers, gadgets, refreshing library, gaining
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
books and hiring qualified teachers for pupils.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Indeed
teachers
naturally
will teach them with contemporary and advanced methods
in that case
. This investment presumably will promote
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
progress during studying in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
and
apparently
they will have a much more competitive advantage than other pupils.
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
Furthermore
, supermarkets providing their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
can advertise their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
goods
, attract
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
customers and create
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
workplaces for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.

Nowadays the majority of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
-food courts and supermarkets offer unhealthy packed and junk
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
which is an ever-increasing problem and
extremely
harmful for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
outlets and supermarkets distributing those kinds of products to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
will presumably affect pupil’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
generating diseases which will influence their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
in the future.
Hence
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should define the list of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
goods
which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be distributed
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
and do not contain harmful organisms in foods.

In conclusion
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
is the most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
aspect and far-reaching problem,
therefore
the decision which one is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
or investment for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be
comprehensively
discussed.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
27Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS essay Some schools agree that fast-food restaurants and supermarkets can promote their products in school and that schools benefit from it. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
267 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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