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In Britain, when someone gets old they often go to live in a home with other old people where there are nurses to look after them. Sometimes the government has to pay for this care. v.40

In Britain, when someone gets old they often go to live in a home with other old people where there are nurses to look after them. Sometimes the government has to pay for this care. v. 40
At present, most of the elderly population are left under the care of home-cares due to the fact that the younger family members are too busy with their work and could not provide sufficient care and attention for the later. In addition, some of the family members even fail to provide financial support. Hence, the government has left no choice but to pay for their care. Some people believe financial responsibility should be given to the family, however, I strongly believe that the government should take greater responsibility. This argument is supported by stating some of the reasons why I agree. First and foremost, there are variations in each family's financial capabilities. Some can provide sufficient support for the elderly, while some fail to do so. This instability is risky, therefore the government, which has the sufficient resources could somehow assist them instead. For instance, a family member may have no job when an elderly needs hospitalisation. In this case, giving the responsibility to the government will be an advantage. Moreover, a majority of the elderly had been productive during their earlier life. Some of them have paid insurances, government fees and taxes. These contributions had been helpful in establishing the government. Hence, in return, the government should help them, now that they already are debilitated. For example, as an intake coordinator for insurances, I am aware that in the United States, productive citizens, who work in a company are paying monthly contributions for their Medicare insurances. When the time comes that these citizens became old and sick, the government is mandated to support their needs. In summary, financial support for elderly citizens should be a responsibility for both the family and the government. However, because the government is more stable they should take greater responsibility.
At present, most of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
elderly
population are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
left
under the care of home-cares due to the fact that the younger
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
members are too busy with their work and could not provide sufficient care and attention for the
Did you mean "latter" (=the second of two items)?
later
.
In addition
,
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
some of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
members even fail to provide
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
financial
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
support
.
Hence
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
left
no choice
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
to pay for their care.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
financial
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
responsibility
should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
,
however
, I
strongly
believe that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
should take greater
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
responsibility
. This argument
is supported
by stating
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
some of the
reasons why I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
.

First
and foremost, there are variations in each family's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
financial
capabilities.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
can provide sufficient
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
support
for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
elderly
, while
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
fail to do
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
. This instability is risky,
therefore
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
, which has the sufficient resources could somehow assist them
instead
.
For instance
, a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
member may have no job when an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
elderly
needs
Possible spelling mistake. 'hospitalisation' is British English.
hospitalisation
.
In this case
, giving the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
responsibility
to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
will be an advantage.

Moreover
, a majority of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
elderly
had been productive during their earlier life.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
of them have paid insurances,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
fees and taxes. These contributions had been helpful in establishing the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
.
Hence
, in return, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
that they already
are debilitated
.
For example
, as an intake coordinator for insurances, I am aware that in the United States, productive citizens, who work in a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
are paying monthly contributions for their Medicare insurances. When the time
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
that these citizens became
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
and sick, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
is mandated
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
support
their needs.

In summary,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
financial
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
support
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
elderly
citizens should be a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
responsibility
for both the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
and the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
.
However
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
is more stable they should take greater
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
responsibility
.
13Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
33Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes

IELTS essay In Britain, when someone gets old they often go to live in a home with other old people where there are nurses to look after them. Sometimes the government has to pay for this care. v. 40

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
296 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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