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Do you agree or disagree with this sentence? in the past, young people depended too much on their parents to make decisions for them; today young people are better to make decision about their lives v.11

with this sentence? in the past, young people depended too much on their parents to make decisions for them; today young people are better to make decision about their lives v. 11
The question is whether in the past, young people depended too much on their parents to make decisions for them; today young people are better to make decision about their lives or not. In my vantage point, this view is true somewhat and there some reasons that can affirm it. My arguments and reasons are listed below that will strengthen my point of view: First of all, improving technology is the strongest argument of being independent of young generation. Nowadays, young people access to variety information in a widespread volume; consequently the need of getting advice from parents has removed. High speed of internet and advanced tools has created a bed for young people to connect to wherever in the world; hence their mind is able to decide logically with studying and watching the most up-date scientific news. Second, being busy parents is another noticeable support for this occurrence. since today the society meets economic crisis, so the families are forced to work for a long time during the day. Besides, in the past if it was custom that only men were working, it has changed now. The women also have accepted the task of working in out. As a result, young people have boosted self-sufficient skill. For instance, my mother is a nurse and does not have enough time for me and my brother. Her job helped us to become to an independent person who make our all decisions alone. Third, blurring relationship in the families has caused youth to more incline toward their friends. It goes without saying when a person spends his time with his friends, spontaneously their effect on person’s life will appear. In the past because of existing populous families, young people were exploring from their siblings’ behaviors, in contrast there are not such an opportunity for them. As I have illustrated, this belief has believed in the society that young cortex is more independent than the past. It is a positive change because the country will confront with a mature generation that will rise up country’s power.
The question is whether in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
past
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
depended too much on their parents to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
decisions for them;
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are better to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
decision about their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
or not. In my vantage point, this view is true somewhat and there
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
reasons that can affirm it. My arguments and reasons
are listed
below that will strengthen my point of view:

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, improving technology is the strongest argument of being independent of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
generation. Nowadays,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
access to variety information in a widespread volume;
consequently
the need of getting advice from parents has removed. High speed of internet and advanced tools has created a bed for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to connect to wherever in the world;
hence
their mind is able to decide
logically
with studying and watching the most up-date scientific news.

Second, being busy parents is another noticeable support for this occurrence.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
since
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
the society meets economic crisis,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
the families
are forced
to work for a long time during the day.

Besides
, in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
past
if it was custom that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
were working, it has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
. The women
also
have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
accepted
the task of working in out.
As a result
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have boosted self-sufficient
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skill
.
For instance
, my mother is a nurse and does not have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
time for me and my brother. Her job
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helped
us to become to an independent person who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
our all decisions alone.

Third, blurring relationship in the families has caused youth to more incline toward their friends. It goes without saying when a person spends his time with his friends,
spontaneously
their effect on person’s life will appear. In the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
past
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of existing populous families,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
were exploring from their siblings’ behaviors,
in contrast
there are not such an opportunity for them.

As I have illustrated, this belief has believed in the society that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
cortex is more independent than the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
past
. It is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the country will confront with a mature generation that will rise up country’s power.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
18Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS essay with this sentence? in the past, young people depended too much on their parents to make decisions for them; today young people are better to make decision about their lives v. 11

Essay
  American English
6 paragraphs
343 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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