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Some say that by showing sporting events such as Olympic and world cup in television will encourage old people to do exercise. v.1

Some say that by showing sporting events such as Olympic and world cup in television will encourage old people to do exercise. v. 1
Physical exercise is vital in keeping our body healthy. However, over the past years it was observed that adults are not doing enough exercise. While some say that the best way to inspire them to exercise is by showing spectacular sporting events like the Olympic and world cup on television, I believe that there are better ways to encourage them such as improving exercise facilities and support from family members. There are people who believe that showing spectacular sporting events in the television, such as the Olympics and world cup will encourage older people to exercise. The basis of their argument lies in the fact that adults have the inherent tendency to follow their role models or idols. Sports celebrities such as boxers, tennis players, basketball stars have a great influence on their fans, and by showing them sports events on TV they follow the ways of sports stars. As a result, adults will engage in physical activities such as exercise. For example, in the Philippines, every time Manny Pacquiao has a boxing match, a month after his fight the attendance in boxing gym increases by 30 percent. However, showing sports events on television does not guarantee a perpetual engagement in exercise among adults. I believe that by improving exercise facilities like gyms and sports centre and family support could encourage them. When such facilities are in good condition they will be eager to try and they will not be afraid of accident that may cause by poor condition of exercise equipment. Furthermore, family members have huge influence among adults. By being with them during their exercise, they will be driven by the moral support and thus they will continue and even increase their activity. For instance, my father increased his jogging activity from once a week to twice a week since I joined him in his morning jogging routine. In conclusion, although showing spectacular sport events on television could inspire older people to exercise, I believe that by improving the exercise facilities and sports centre together with the family support, adults will engage more in exercise.
Physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercise
is vital in keeping our body healthy.
However
, over the past years it
was observed
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adults
are not doing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercise
. While
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
say that the best way to inspire them to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercise
is by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
showing
spectacular sporting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
events
like the Olympic and world cup on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
, I
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believe
that there are better ways to encourage them such as improving
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercise
facilities and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
support
from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
members.

There are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believe
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
showing
spectacular sporting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
events
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
, such as the Olympics and world cup will encourage older
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercise
. The basis of their argument lies in the fact that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adults
have the inherent tendency to follow their role models or idols.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Sports
celebrities such as boxers, tennis players, basketball stars have a great influence on their fans, and by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
showing
them
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
events
on TV they follow the ways of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
stars.
As a result
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adults
will engage in physical activities such as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercise
.
For example
, in the Philippines, every time
Possible spelling mistake found.
Manny
Possible spelling mistake found.
Pacquiao
has a boxing match, a month after his fight the attendance in boxing gym increases by 30 percent.

However
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
showing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
events
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
does not guarantee a perpetual engagement in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercise
among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adults
. I
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believe
that by improving
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercise
facilities like gyms and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
Possible spelling mistake. 'centre' is British English.
centre
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
support
could encourage them. When such facilities are in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
condition they will be eager to
"Try and" is common in colloquial speech, but "try to" is recommended for writing.
try and
they will not be afraid of accident that may cause by poor condition of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercise
equipment.
Furthermore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
members have huge influence among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adults
. By being with them during their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercise
, they will
be driven
by the moral
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
support
and
thus
they will continue and even increase their activity.
For instance
, my father increased his jogging activity from once a week to twice a week since I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
joined
him in his morning jogging routine.

In conclusion
, although
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
showing
spectacular
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
events
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
could inspire older
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercise
, I
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believe
that by improving the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercise
facilities and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
Possible spelling mistake. 'centre' is British English.
centre
together with the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
support
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adults
will engage more in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercise
.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
52Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
6Mistakes
Language is not a genetic gift, it is a social gift. Learning a new language is becoming a member of the club – the community of speakers of that language.
Frank Smith

IELTS essay Some say that by showing sporting events such as Olympic and world cup in television will encourage old people to do exercise. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
347 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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