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Over the last few decades, the media has promoted the image of young thin women as being ideal. What problem has this caused? What solutions can you suggest to this issue? v.4

Over the last few decades, the media has promoted the image of young thin women as being ideal. What problem has this caused? What solutions can you suggest to this issue? v. 4
From the centuries, women have been confined to some social norms. One of which is being thin. This norm has been promoted by the media and show-biz for the past few decades without considering the harmful impact, it can cause. There are some steps that need to be taken to prevent it. To commence with, it causes some of the dangerous problems for the young minds. Firstly, it negatively impacts the mental and physical health of young girls. This trend makes them feel that they can only be accepted and loved, if they are thin. For instance, in the field of modelling, only thin girls with proper physique can participate. So, to achieve the thin body, they start starving themselves, which causes several problems such as low blood pressure, weakness etc. Secondly, this trend encourages the objectification of women in the society. Women are not allowed to be comfortable in their own skin, and making them second class citizens of the world. Therefore, it only showcases the gender bias towards women. However, there are some solutions to it. The idea that can prove to be the most effective one, is to educate kids from their childhood, about the equality between thin and obese people in terms of opportunities. Furthermore, kids, whether girls or boys, should be taught that beauty lies within a person and is not superficial to be measured by skin or body type. They should be taught that becoming a good human is more important. For example, if a kid, who is taught from childhood not to discriminate on the basis of body type, upon growing up, will teach other people as well, thus improving the society. To conclude, the concept of thin ideal promotes the degradation of mental and physical health of girls. In my opinion, the best way to improve the situation is to take steps such as guiding and educating kids with the moral values of equality.
From the centuries, women have
been confined
to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
social norms. One of which is being
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
thin
. This norm has
been promoted
by the media and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
-biz for the past few decades without considering the harmful impact, it can cause. There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
steps that need to
be taken
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
it.

To commence with, it causes
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
some of the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
problems for the young minds.
Firstly
, it
negatively
impacts the mental and physical health of young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
girls
. This trend
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
them feel that they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
accepted
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
loved
, if they are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
thin
.
For instance
, in the field of modelling,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
thin
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
girls
with proper physique can participate.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, to achieve the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
thin
body, they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
starving themselves, which causes several problems such as low blood pressure, weakness etc.
Secondly
, this trend encourages the objectification of women in the society. Women are not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
to be comfortable in their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
skin, and making them second
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
citizens of the world.
Therefore
, it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
showcases the gender bias towards women.

However
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
solutions to it. The
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
that can prove to be the most effective one, is to educate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
from their childhood, about the equality between
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
thin
and obese
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
in terms of opportunities.
Furthermore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
, whether
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
girls
or boys, should
be taught
that beauty lies within a person and is not superficial to
be measured
by skin or body type. They should
be taught
that becoming a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
human is more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
.
For example
, if a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kid
, who
is taught
from childhood not to discriminate on the basis of body type, upon growing up, will teach other
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
as well
,
thus
improving the society.

To conclude
, the concept of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
thin
ideal promotes the degradation of mental and physical health of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
girls
. In my opinion, the best way to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
the situation is to take steps such as guiding and educating
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
with the moral values of equality.
8.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Over the last few decades, the media has promoted the image of young thin women as being ideal. What problem has this caused? What solutions can you suggest to this issue? v. 4

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
322 words
8.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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