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Some people think success in life comes from hard work and determination. Others think money and appearance are more important. Discuss both views and give your opinion v.2

Some people think success in life comes from hard work and determination. Others think money and appearance are more important. 2
It is true that people have a lot of ways to achieve success in their life. While some people think money and appearance are two factors affecting to people's success, I would argue that people can reach a peak of their career when they work hard and have determination. On the one hand, there are several reasons why finance and physical beauty are important contributors to win in life. The first reason is that money enables people reaching their deep desires like power and frame. For example, if people have a great deal of wealth, they have countless opportunities to progress rapidly in their career or being well-known in the community that they desired. Furthermore, personal appearance is one of the crucial factors impacting achievement. For instance, it would be a good chance for candidates to seek a job if they indicate their confident body posture or wearing clothing apart from great skills and experiences. On the other hand, it is undeniable that hard working and willpower are necessary features which are pivotal to ensure victory in the field. Firstly, hard work helps people gain some valuable experiences in aspects of life. To illustrate my point, if young student practices several times, some kinds of assignment in college and home, they are likely to minimize the risk of repeating the same mistakes so they have the tendency to get high scores in the formal exam. Secondly, determination gives us the motivation to set up goals which become the foundation of success. As a result, this is an essential skill to allow people overcome the complex problems in all situations and always keep moving forward to reach the long-term goals. In conclusion, although money and personal appearance have an influence on achievement, it seems to me that hard work and determination are dominant factors to get the highest achievement.
It is true that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
ways to achieve success in their life. While
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
money and appearance are two factors affecting to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's success, I would argue that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can reach a peak of their career when they work
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hard
and have determination.

On the one hand, there are several reasons why finance and physical beauty are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
contributors to win in life. The
first
reason is that money enables
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
reaching their deep desires like power and frame.
For example
, if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have a great deal of wealth, they have countless opportunities to progress
rapidly
in their career or being well-known in the community that they desired.
Furthermore
, personal appearance is one of the crucial factors impacting achievement.
For instance
, it would be a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
chance for candidates to seek a job if they indicate their confident body posture or wearing clothing apart from great
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
and experiences.

On the other hand
, it is undeniable that
This expression is normally spelled as one or with hyphen.
hard working
and willpower are necessary features which are pivotal to ensure victory in the field.
Firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hard
work
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
gain
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
valuable experiences in aspects of life. To illustrate my point, if young student practices several times,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
kinds of assignment in college and home, they are likely to minimize the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
of repeating the same mistakes
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they have the tendency to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
high scores in the formal exam.
Secondly
, determination gives us the motivation to set up goals which become the foundation of success.
As a result
, this is an essential
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skill
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
overcome the complex problems in all situations and always
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
moving forward to reach the long-term goals.

In conclusion
, although money and personal appearance have an influence on achievement, it seems to me that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hard
work and determination are dominant factors to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
the highest achievement.
8.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people think success in life comes from hard work and determination. Others think money and appearance are more important. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
308 words
8.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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