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Some people believe that international trade and communication with other countries is a positive trend, while others think it is harmful to nations and they might lose their identities. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement? Give yo v.2

Some people believe that international trade and communication with other countries is a positive trend, while others think it is harmful to nations and they might lose their identities. with this statement? Give yo v. 2
With the advancement of the healthcare system people have a longer lifespan compared to a decade ago. This effect of improvement has both advantages and disadvantages. However, I believe the positive outcome is greater than its negative counterpart. Further, in this essay both advantages and disadvantages will be discussed with the conclusion at the end. During the old times when the health care system was underdeveloped people use to die very soon due to the various kinds of life threatening infections. Several children had never seen their grandparents hence had never got the chance to personally know them. But today's children are lucky to spend time and learn from their grandparents and also get a chance to live in a joint family. Also, the financial burden on a family due to the repeated hospitalization of older people is extremely reduced, hence, people live a happier life. Moreover, due to the less sickness, many people are self dependent even at an older age and have more time to fulfil their dreams. Ironically, due to the reduction in deaths due to improved medical care the population of the world is drastically increasing, due to this the number of people are higher to use less resources like water, fuel and food. In addition, the employment among the younger population is a great challenge nowadays because the older generation is still eligible to work. However, the working older generation is not as active and productive as compared to the younger generation, hence, this condition brings the overall economy of the country at risk. In conclusion, though there are a few limitations of improved health care, the positive effect always wins. The noted disadvantages can be minimized if government sincerely works on it.
With the advancement of the healthcare system
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have a longer lifespan compared to a decade ago. This effect of improvement has both advantages and disadvantages.
However
, I believe the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
outcome is greater than its
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
counterpart.
Further
, in this essay both advantages and disadvantages will
be discussed
with the conclusion at the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
.

During the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
times when the health care system
was underdeveloped
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
Make sure that 'use to' is correct. For habitual actions in the past or to mean 'accustomed to', use "used to".
use to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
die
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
soon
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
due
to the various kinds of life threatening infections. Several children had never
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
their grandparents
hence
had never
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
the chance to
personally
know them.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
's children are lucky to spend time and learn from their grandparents and
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a chance to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in a joint family.
Also
, the financial burden on a family
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
due
to the repeated hospitalization of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
is
extremely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduced
,
hence
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
a happier life.
Moreover
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
due
to the less sickness,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are self dependent even at an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
older
age and have more time to fulfil their dreams.

Ironically
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
due
to the reduction in deaths
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
due
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improved
medical care the population of the world is
drastically
increasing,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
due
to this the number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are higher to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
less resources like water, fuel and food.
In addition
, the employment among the younger population is a great challenge nowadays
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
older
generation is
still
eligible to work.
However
, the working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
older
generation is not as active and productive as compared to the younger generation,
hence
, this condition brings the
overall
economy of the country at
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
.

In conclusion
, though there are a few limitations of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improved
health care, the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
effect always wins. The noted disadvantages can
be minimized
if
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
sincerely
works on it.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
You can never understand one language until you understand at least two.
Geoffrey Willans

IELTS essay Some people believe that international trade and communication with other countries is a positive trend, while others think it is harmful to nations and they might lose their identities. with this statement? Give yo v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
288 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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