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Some pp think success in life comes from hardworking and determination. Others think money and appearance are more important. Discuss both sides and give your opinion. v.2

Some pp think success in life comes from hardworking and determination. Others think money and appearance are more important. v. 2
some hold the opinion that it is hardworking and determination that make us succeed, while others consider outlook and budget more fundamental. From my prospective, all of these factors contribute to our achievements in life. For one, effort and determination are the solutions which make up to 90% of our success in life. Not everyone was born with talent, hardworking will lead them to successful outcomes. For instance, unlike messi, Ronaldo was born untalented at football. However, he has been playing soccer from the day when he first saw a ball until now. Training everyday help him to have better skills. As a result, he has become messi biggest opponent at the moment, and he is as famous as messi. There is a well-known saying that " Practice makes perfect " and it is completely undoubted. On the all the hand, appearance and money are not as vital as the factors i mentioned above, because they does not last long. they only contribute to our beginning success. Temporary idols are some clear examples. they maybe success at first sight, maybe for a few years or more. But when the get older, they doesn' t look as good as they used to be, so their fame decrease significantly. People relying on their appearance and money will find it hard to make lucrative income in their late years and they may have to live on a budget. In conclusion, money and appearance only help you for several years. I always believe that hard work and determination pays off, which will make sure your long-term success.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
some
hold the opinion that it is hardworking and determination that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
us succeed, while others consider outlook and budget more fundamental. From my prospective, all of these factors contribute to our achievements in life.

For one, effort and determination are the solutions which
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
up to 90% of our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
success
in life. Not everyone
was born
with talent, hardworking will lead them to successful outcomes.
For instance
, unlike
Possible spelling mistake found.
messi
, Ronaldo
was born
untalented at football.
However
, he has been playing soccer from the day when he
first
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
saw
a ball until
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
. Training everyday
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
him to have better
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
.
As a result
, he has become
Possible spelling mistake found.
messi
A determiner is probably missing here: "the biggest".
biggest
opponent at the moment, and he is as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
as
Possible spelling mistake found.
messi
. There is a well-known saying that
Possible spelling mistake found.
&quot
; Practice
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
makes
perfect
Possible spelling mistake found.
&quot
; and it is completely undoubted.

On the all the hand, appearance and money are not as vital as the factors
Is this the personal pronoun "I"? It is spelled uppercase.
i
mentioned above,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they
The pronoun 'they' must be used with a non-third-person form of a verb: "do"
does
not last long.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
contribute to our beginning
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
success
. Temporary idols are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
examples.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
they
maybe
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
success
at
first
sight, maybe for a few years or more.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
when the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
older, they
Possible spelling mistake found.
doesn&
#039; t look as
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
as they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to be,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
their fame decrease
significantly
.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
People
relying on their appearance and money will find it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
lucrative income in their late
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
years and
they may
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
on a budget.

In conclusion
, money and appearance
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
you for several years. I always believe that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
work and determination pays off, which will
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
sure your long-term
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
success
.
6Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
9Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
13Mistakes

IELTS essay Some pp think success in life comes from hardworking and determination. Others think money and appearance are more important. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
263 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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