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Some people who unexpectedly receive a large amount of money spend it on practical things, while others spend it for pleasure only. Which do you think is better and why? v.1

Some people who unexpectedly receive a large amount of money spend it on practical things, while others spend it for pleasure only. Which do you think is better and why? v. 1
Although it is often argued that learning the English language would be more advantageous in English native country, I believe that, in the current era, this is not the only possibility because of the advent of information technology and high literate ratio. First of all, in the digital world, where the internet has a lot of information, such as videos, blogs, free online websites and so on, and one can upgrade his skills at any time, anywhere. To explain more, nowadays, owing to the internet, online classes are extremely popular as compared with traditional classes. In India, for example, many countryside students are opting for English online classes, and they are not only they get the opportunity to interact with English people, but also learning a new culture, and the consequences of this, these children become more fluent in English communication. That is why, learning a new language, for instance, English, is not compulsory to live in a county where English is a local language. Secondly, with the increased of literate percentage value; by their bilingual colleagues, many people learn the English language while working with these people. In the era of globalization, as we know that, the English language is a common language, therefore, English language is used at the time of trades between different countries, where both countries have a different language. For example, I was weak in English when I started working in my company, however, after some time I learn the English language from my co-workers and now, I do not observe any issue when I interact with Britisher. Hence, the student can learn the English language in his home country while interacting with educated partners. To conclude, I strongly believe that to learn the English language, it is not necessary to visit an English-speaking country because one can learn it from its friends or the internet.
Although it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
argued that learning the English
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
language
would be more advantageous in English native
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
, I believe that, in the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
era, this is not the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
possibility
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the advent of information technology and high literate ratio.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, in the digital world, where the internet has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
information, such as videos, blogs, free online websites and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
on, and one can upgrade his
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
at any time, anywhere. To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explain
more, nowadays, owing to the internet, online classes are
extremely
popular as compared with traditional classes. In India,
for example
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
countryside students are opting for English online classes, and they are not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
the opportunity to interact with English
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
learning a new culture, and the consequences of this, these children become more fluent in English communication.
That is
why, learning a new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
language
,
for instance
, English, is not compulsory to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in a county where English is a local language.

Secondly
, with the increased of literate percentage value; by their bilingual colleagues,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learn
the English
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
language
while working with these
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
. In the era of globalization, as we know that, the English
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
language
is a common
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
language
,
therefore
, English
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
language
is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
at the time of trades between
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
, where both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
have a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
language
.
For example
, I was weak in English when I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
working in my
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
,
however
, after
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
time I
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learn
the English
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
language
from my co-workers and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
, I do not observe any issue when I interact with Britisher.
Hence
, the student can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learn
the English
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
language
in his home
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
while interacting with educated partners.

To conclude
, I
strongly
believe that to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learn
the English
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
language
, it is not necessary to visit an English-speaking
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
one can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learn
it from its friends or the internet.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
I am always sorry when any language is lost, because languages are the pedigrees of nations.
Samuel Johnson

IELTS essay Some people who unexpectedly receive a large amount of money spend it on practical things, while others spend it for pleasure only. Which do you think is better and why? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
311 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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