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TPO16-Q2: Some people who unexpectedly receive a large amount of money spend on practical things while others spend on pleasures only. Which do you think is better and why? v.1

TPO16-Q2: Some people who unexpectedly receive a large amount of money spend on practical things while others spend on pleasures only. Which do you think is better and why? v. 1
Universities these days offer a plethora of courses for the students to choose from. Although some believe that they should have the freedom to choose any field in a degree, others strongly advocate that a freshman must only undergo subjects that are practical for the future. The ability to choose a course by the student offers several advantages. In order for them to excel at what they're passionate about, students should have the privilege to select their course of interest, For example, if a student gravitates towards arts and history, he studying maths and science will eventually be futile, Because subjects which offer no meaningful value to the pupils will only lead to them squandering their money and time. Though the above method does yield success, It only works for people who are predetermined about what career to pursue in the future but teenagers who have no clue about which profession to pick, having a standardized subject will help them to branch out and change occupation as they desire, also it gives them a new perspective in various fields of study, For example, if a person selects commerce and maths as compulsory subjects, he or she will have the opportunity to dwell in not only economics related field but also scientific fields where maths plays a prominent role In conclusion, even though the liberty to choose subjects by the students to the core level works, provided that students have a strong mind, Thus allowing students to study required courses not only help them in future if they wish to change streams but also helps in having a broader mindset. I believe the goverment should introduce campaigns to popularize these courses to give required exposure to the forthcoming students
Universities these days offer a plethora of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
courses
for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
choose
from. Although
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
believe that they should have the freedom to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
choose
any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
field
in a degree, others
strongly
advocate that a freshman
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
only
undergo
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
that are practical for the future.

The ability to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
choose
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
course
by the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
offers several advantages. In order for them to excel at what they're passionate about,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
should have the privilege to select their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
course
of interest,
For example
, if a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
gravitates towards arts and history,
Did you mean "he's studying", "he is studying", or "he was studying"?
he studying
Possible spelling mistake. 'maths' is British English.
maths
and science will
eventually
be futile,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
which offer no meaningful value to the pupils will
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
only
lead to them squandering their money and time.

Though the above method does yield success, It
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
only
works for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who
are predetermined
about what career to pursue in the future
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
who have no clue about which profession to pick, having a standardized
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subject
will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them to branch out and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
occupation as they desire,
also
it gives them a new perspective in various
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fields
of study,
For example
, if a person selects commerce and
Possible spelling mistake. 'maths' is British English.
maths
as compulsory
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
, he or she will have the opportunity to dwell in not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
only
economics related
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
field
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
scientific
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fields
where
Possible spelling mistake. 'maths' is British English.
maths
Possible agreement error. You should probably use: "play".
plays
a prominent role

In conclusion
,
even though
the liberty to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
choose
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
by the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
to the core level works, provided that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
have a strong mind,
Thus
allowing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
to study required
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
courses
not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
only
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them in future if they wish to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
streams
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
in having a broader mindset. I believe the
Possible spelling mistake found.
goverment
should introduce campaigns to popularize these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
courses
to give required exposure to the forthcoming
Please add a punctuation mark at the end of paragraph
students
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay TPO16-Q2: Some people who unexpectedly receive a large amount of money spend on practical things while others spend on pleasures only. Which do you think is better and why? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
287 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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