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Some people warn that the era of silver screen is coming to an end and that people will eventually lose interest in going to the cinema. Do you agree or disagree with this view? v.1

Some people warn that the era of silver screen is coming to an end and that people will eventually lose interest in going to the cinema. with this view? v. 1
People have different views about what young individuals should have behaviour as the traditions or individuals. While, such people should have right to live as what they want, I would argue that it is better for people to follow the traditions of their culture. On the one hand, young people should be allowed to act in their own way since they live in a world different from that of their parents and grandparents. Firstly, it is impossible for young generation to follow all traditions, some of which are outdated with little value. For example, in a new era, young people have a tendency to participate in new environments and experience new lifestyles. Secondly, some customs could prevent young people from accessing to a modern world, which keeps them in poverty and fogginess. For instance, in some mountainous areas, 12-to-16-age-old girls are forced to get married and have children, and they couldn’t approach to education and have to earn for livings at young ages. On the other hand, there are some reasons why people should acquire the traditions in order to preserve and hold conventional customs. First, young individuals ought to appreciate time-honored traditions to enhance the connection and solidarity of families and country. In some occasions, festivals in particular, people will reunite with their families to witness valuable moments together. Second, there will be a delightful icon in international friends if children still transmit the values of national identity. For instance, in some Asian countries, children usually live with their parents till they passed away, which considered as a religious pious. In conclusion, while living as individuals is beneficial for young people to some extent, I believe behaving as the traditions of society could help people realizing more many values.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
views about what
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individuals
should have
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
as the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
traditions
or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individuals
. While, such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should have right to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
as what they want, I would argue that it is better for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to follow the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
traditions
of their culture.

On the one hand,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
to act in their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
way since they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in a world
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
from that of their parents and grandparents.
Firstly
, it is impossible for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
generation to follow all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
traditions
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
of which
are outdated
with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
value.
For example
, in a new era,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have a tendency to participate in new environments and experience new lifestyles.
Secondly
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
customs could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
from accessing to a modern world, which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keeps
them in poverty and fogginess.
For instance
, in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
mountainous areas, 12-to-16-age-
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
girls
are forced
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
married and have children, and they couldn’t approach to education and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
earn for livings at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
ages.

On the other hand
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
reasons why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should acquire the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
traditions
in order to preserve and hold conventional customs.
First
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individuals
ought to appreciate time-honored
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
traditions
to enhance the connection and solidarity of families and country. In
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
occasions, festivals
in particular
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
will reunite with their families to witness valuable moments together. Second, there will be a delightful icon in international friends if children
still
transmit the values of national identity.
For instance
, in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
Asian countries, children
usually
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
with their parents till they passed away, which considered as a religious pious.

In conclusion
, while living as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individuals
is beneficial for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
extent, I believe behaving as the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
traditions
of society could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
realizing more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
values.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people warn that the era of silver screen is coming to an end and that people will eventually lose interest in going to the cinema. with this view? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
290 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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